


Unrequited

by ExoEl88



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Angst, Drama, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-09 10:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 25,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4345397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ExoEl88/pseuds/ExoEl88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An AU where both Taemin and Jongin believe the lies they tell the media about their relationship. Watch as they both struggle with feelings of unrequited love and watch as they overcome them with some surprises along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi~ I'm a new(ish) member of EXO-L, and what can I say? I love TaeKai! Here's my first contribution to the fandom!

Jongin sits in the room he shares with Kyungsoo and finds himself bored. He sighs as he stares up at the ceiling to his room. He tosses a random coin up in the air and catches it in his hand before tossing it again. This isn't very normal for him; he usually spends all of his down time in the dance studio practicing. He isn't sure why, but he doesn't feel like it today. A knock on the door startles him upright on his bed. "Come in," he says just loud enough to be heard.

Joonmyun pokes his head in with a slightly worried face. "Hey," he says, opening the door wider. "Are you alright?" he asks softly.

"I'm just bored," Jongin responds lamely. He smiles softly because he thinks it's sweet how Joonmyun always checks up on everybody.

"It's not like you to be here rather than the studio when you're bored," he points out as he sits on Kyungsoo's bed across from Jongin's.

"I know, but I don't feel like dancing right now," he answers, hoping his friend won't pester him.

"Okay," Joonmyun replies, still staring at Jongin with concern in his eyes. "Do you want to join us? SHINee's on TV in an interview," he suggests.

"Sure," Jongin says without much thought. He stands up to follow him out to the main room of their dorm. He hopes that he's eased everyone's worries by going to the living room. He hates it when he's fussed over, or the center of attention. He smiles in hopes to further ease his friends as he takes a seat next to Kyungsoo.

"Hey," Baekhyun to the other side of him greets. "Look, it's Taemin's turn to talk."

That gets Jongin's attention. His head snaps up and he focuses on the screen. 

"-had to dispel many rumors," Taemin says, smiling shyly. "I'm not dating Kai of EXO." 

The members around him all start laughing, and a knot forms in the pit of his stomach. He tries to not show it, but this topic makes him horribly uncomfortable. He tunes out Taemin's explanation of skinship because he's heard it a thousand times and he has repeated it a thousand more. Hearing those words again would only make him feel worse than he already does.

 _We're only friends_ , he thinks for the millionth time.

His heart hurts though. Taemin's been his friend for such a long time, but he wants so much more than just friendship. _I wish I wasn't in love with you_ , he thinks somberly. Suddenly he doesn't want to sit out here anymore, but he looks up and sees Taemin's face on the screen and decides that he'll stay, if only to see his face for one more minute. Seeing the man he's in love with on the screen makes his heart pound with a mix of so many incomprehensible emotions. He tries to tune out the words he hears, but can't.

"-my ideal type of girl is someone with a kind image and cute appearance."

Jongin sighs unknowingly, and Kyungsoo next to him gives him a knowing look, like he completely understands what Jongin is going through. It unnerves him, just a little, and he tries to ignore everything again. He's relieved when they move on to Key. Kyungsoo nudges Jongin's shoulder comfortingly, and he still has that look on his face. He's curious as to why Kyungsoo is acting so reassuring because Jongin knows he's not that obvious. Or is he? He hopes not because this isn't something he can allow to leak out. He doesn't think Kyungsoo would do it on purpose, but Jongin can't help but worry. He could lose his friendship with Taemin if he isn't careful.

After about thirty minutes, the program ends uneventfully. He starts heading back to his room and finds that he isn't alone. Kyungsoo is right behind him, smiling bitter-sweetly. He decides now might be a good time to figure out how much his hyung knows. He opens the door and holds it open for him.

"Thank you," the older says as he sits on his bed.

"You're welcome, hyung," Jongin replies, moving to sit on his bed.

Jongin expects to be the one to bring it up. Instead, it's Kyungsoo. "Jongin, um... is there something going on between you and Taemin?" he asks uncertainly, not even meeting his gaze.

Jongin doesn't know how to answer. He wants somebody to confide in, but he isn't sure how to express his feelings for Taemin, either. Finally, Kyungsoo looks at him, expecting an answer. Every time he tries to form a response, it dies in his throat.

"There is," Kyungsoo says sadly.

Sadly?

"No, there isn't," he says finally. "He and I are just friends."

"But you want to be more, don't you?" Kyungsoo questions, still holding Jongin's gaze.

"No," he lies, hoping that he will believe it. He clearly doesn't.

"You do, don't try and lie to me, Jongin. I know you too well," Kyungsoo says indignantly. A frown creases his features and he crosses his arms.

At this point, he doesn't see a point in trying to keep the lie up. He knows how exhausting and heavy it's been bottling it up, and maybe confiding in his roommate will help ease some of his heartache. A sigh slips past his trembling lips and he concedes. "Yes, you're right," he whispers hoarsely. "But I can't be anything other than his friend."

Kyungsoo looks so pained. Jongin doesn't understand what is happening right now, but he hopes that his hyung will feel better. He isn't bringing the mood down, is he? "I understand more than you'd think," he replies softly. "I'm sorry you're going through this." He moves over to with his arms open for a hug. Jongin returns the embrace gratefully, and to his surprise, he feels hot tears leaking from his eyes. When did he start crying? He doesn't know. Before he realizes it, he's a mess and Kyungsoo is his shoulder to cry on. His hyung just holds him and murmurs words of comfort while rubbing his back.

The pain of his unrequited love is all he can really focus on, though. It feels as if there are a thousand needles in his chest. He can't breathe, he can't think, and he can't feel anything but their sting. Words, unidentifiable to him or his hyung, stream endlessly from his lips. How long had he been holding this back?

Years, he remembers. Since they were still trainees. Before Taemin debuted.

Too long. It's been too long.

He isn't sure how much time passes, but when he's back in control of his emotions, he feels horrified. He's never broken down like that in front of anyone before... not even his parents. He feels naked and it scares him. "I'm sorry," he apologizes. "I don't know what came over me. I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo."

"It's okay," his roomate replies softly. He still looks grim in Jongin's eyes and it worries him.

"Are you okay? I didn't upset you, did I?" he asks carefully. His eyes take in the way his hyung avoids eye contact and tries to shield his face.

"I'm fine, Jongin. Thanks for asking, though," Kyungsoo replies in a strained voice.

"Are you sure?" he persists out of concern mixed with the desire for something other than his own emotions to focus on.

"I'm sure," he says with a smile. "But I'm tired. Do you mind if I go to bed early?"

Jongin doesn't argue. He knows that if he pushes too much, it'll only annoy him. He stands up to leave with the destination of the studio in mind. Before he leaves the room, he says, "If there's ever anything you want to talk about, I'm here."

"I know, Jongin... I know." With that, he leaves the room, wondering if things are really alright or not.

When he gets to the dance studio, he turns the music up so loud that he can feel the bass beneath his feet. He wants to lose himself in their beats, the pounding of the floorboards. He doesn't want to be able to think or feel anything other than the rhythm of the music. He _becomes_ the music when he's like this, because being the embodiment of something else means he can pretend that he doesn't have any problems to face. He isn't Kim Jongin, in love with his best friend who will never love him back. No. He's Kai. He's the well put together dancer who oozes confidence and nonchalance.

Hours pass like a blur. All he knows is that he's suddenly exhausted, and he doesn't have the energy to go back home. He debates sleeping inside the dance studio but knows he'll be more sore than he'd like to admit if he sleeps on the hardwood. He looks around for a chair and is pleased to find a fold up one in the corner. He pulls it out and picks up his discarded sweatshirt. The makeshift pillow will have to do. He falls asleep within seconds of closing his eyes, too tired for dreams to invade his sleep.

…

Taemin feels sick when he steps off the stage. He hates explaining his relationship with Jongin. Every time those words fall from his mouth is like spewing vomit. The worst part is that he's not even lying, in Jongin's eyes. Those words were originally his, not Taemin's. That must mean they are true, at least on his end. He hates it. He hates that he's in love with his best friend because he can never act on his feelings without risking what he already has with Jongin. Would he be disgusted with Taemin if he knew?

He's scared. Everytime he thinks about it, it's so unpredictable. There are so many things that could go wrong, so many different reactions Jongin could have. And these also make his stomach churn.

"Taeminie, are you okay?" Onew asks, snapping him from his internal turmoil.

"Mhmm. I'm just tired," he answers, wishing he was alone and had privacy. He wants to let himself break down and cry; to let loose for a change.

"Okay," Onew replies, but he clearly doesn't believe in Taemin's answer. He's just humoring him. He probably decided that if it was important, then Taemin would bring it up. How wrong that train of thought is.

Taemin falls silent and tries to compose himself better, but it's more difficult now that he doesn't have the pressure of the cameras in his face, watching his every blink, his every breath. "I think I'm going to visit Jongin," he says.

"Really? Taeminie, it's too late! He's probably asleep already," Jonghyun comments, draping an arm over the younger's shoulders. "You should go home!"

He's not sure why he wants to see Jongin so badly. It's not like seeing him will change anything. It'll just hurt more to see what he can't have. _Maybe I'm a masochist,_ he thinks bitterly. "Okay," he answers his hyung. "I'll just go home. I am pretty tired after all."

The entire ride home, he feigns sleep. He doesn't want to talk or feel the obligation to speak. His mood is brought down and he finds it almost impossible to bring it back up. _Not right now,_ he thinks. _Tomorrow._

When they arrive at his place, he pretends to be sleepy and half awake. He ignores the teasing he gets from the other members about his sleepiness and leaves the car, rubbing his eyes as if he's tired. With each step that brings him closer to his door and further from his band mates, he's relieved. He's alone now, and he doesn't have to hide his emotions. Before he's even unlocked the door, teardrops fall onto his hands.

"Jongin," he whispers painfully in the dark of his apartment. The name leaves a bittersweet taste on his tongue. He doesn't even make it past the entryway before he's broken down into a fit of sobbing. Acting so cool and collected for the media is exhausting and it's weighing on him. His self control, his facade is nothing but a snapped rubber band. He falls with his back to the wall and slumps to the floor. He aches inside, a throbbing kind of pain that no amount of pain medications can fix. The sobs rip through his throat and he buries his face in his cold hands in an in vain attempt to calm down. 

He knows that he needs to talk to someone, but he has no idea how to bring it up. It's so much easier to deny his pain, to pretend he's okay even when he's clearly not. He's not used to letting people in that far, and it unsettles him. He wants to trust people more, but it's so hard. And the one person he can say he truly trusts is the one person who can never know about this side of him and this pain he carries. 

A swirl of chaotic emotions overtake him, and he can't respond in any other way than with more salty tears and heartbroken sobs. His head pounds violently against his temples, and he knows it's time to go to sleep before it claims him while he's on the floor of his entryway. He musters up the strength to stand, albeit while trembling, and stumbles to the couch. He doesn't bother with blankets or a pillow. Within a few minutes, the tears dry up and he falls into a dreamless sleep. 

…

Kyungsoo is relieved when Jongin doesn't come back. He's finally allowed some alone time. Watching Jongin break down like that was so hard. He did everything he could to hold it together, and he isn't even sure if he did a good job. Still, Jongin hadn't noticed. He doesn't know if he should be relieved that Jongin doesn't know or sad that he's too blind to tell. It's probably a mix between them as he goes back and forth from sad to angry.

He doesn't cry much, but his heart aches unbearably. He's starting to think he's somewhat numb to the pain by now.

 _Jongin is in love with Taemin_ , he thinks, hoping that by accepting it, he'll stop feeling this heartache. It doesn't do anything but amplify the pain. He wishes it would go away as more tears spill from his eyes. 

He stands abruptly and wipes his face. He needs to clean himself up. He can't afford to be caught looking like this because then he'd have to explain or lie, and he's not willing to do either of those. As he opens the door, he pleads silently that nobody is out and about. When he sneaks out of his room, he's pleased to find the hallway clear of people. With a sigh of relief, he walks quietly to the nearest bathroom. He flips on the lights and stares at his reflection.

His eyes are puffy and his nose is running a little. These both make it obvious he's been crying. He turns on the tap and washes his face with cool, fresh water. The water on his feverish skin feels akin to heaven. It almost feels like he's washing away the heartache. Water always makes him feel better. As he dabs his face dry with a face towel, he decides that he's going to be there for Jongin, no matter what comes of his relationship with Taemin. Kyungsoo doesn't want to lose what he has, and if it turns into something more, he'll leave it to fate.

Somehow, this eases most of the pain. He thinks it's because he's no longer fumbling around in the dark. At least he has something solid now. He goes back to the room he shares with the man he's in love with and waits for him to return.

He doesn't.

Now, he's worried. Jongin doesn't just disappear. Normally, he says where he's going. Then again, he normally is at the dance studio and everyone knows it because where else would he be? Kyungsoo waits another hour to see if he returns on his own.

He tries to sleep, but he can't stop worrying about Jongin. He tosses and turns, praying that he'll get his annoyingly handsome face out of his head to no avail. After another half hour, he's about to try calling his cell phone when he notices it lying on the bed across the room from where he's lying. Instantly, his worries intensify. He thinks of the billion possible scenarios that he could be in, and without a cell phone, he won't be able to contact anyone for help.

He stands up and throws on a sweatshirt before he rushes out the door. His first thought is the dance studio. It's roughly three in the morning... he hopes that Jongin isn't anywhere else because 'anywhere else' is infinitely more dangerous than the studio at this time. He starts jogging in the crisp air of the night. It's a bit longer than he likes, but the exertion feels nice. When he reaches the company, he runs to the dance studio. He really hopes that's where Jongin is, because if he's not there, Kyungsoo wouldn't have a clue where to look.

Breathing heavily from running, he opens the door slightly. The light is still on, but no music is playing. He opens the door further and smiles softly at what he sees. Jongin is fast asleep, sitting slumped in a flimsy fold-up chair. He sighs in relief. Jongin is safe and sound... and sleeping peacefully. He takes in the way the younger looks, though, and he frowns. Jongin's eyes are still a little puffy, and he's shivering slightly in his tank-top. His neck is bent in an awkward angle. Kyungsoo knows from experience that he'll wake up with a kink in his neck if he doesn't find a new sleeping position.

He also knows from past experiences that it isn't easy to wake Jongin up after he's overworked himself. He thinks of his options when he remembers that there are dorms here (mainly used by trainees.) He doesn't know which rooms are empty, but he does remember where they kept extra bedding. He goes out and grabs a few blankets and a couple pillows. With them in hand, he returns to the dance studio and begins to set up a makeshift bed for them to share. He's feeling extremely tired all of a sudden, which doesn't help.

Maybe it isn't sudden. Maybe he's just been ignoring it until now. Either way, he acknowledges it now and finds it hard to move. He's sluggish as he sets two blankets on top of each other to cushion the floor. He tosses the two pillows next to each other on the ground lazily. 

Now for the hard part. He looks to Jongin's sleeping face and finds it hard to look away. His breathing is light and his face looks all but angelic. He looks younger than he really is, almost like a little boy.

Sometimes Kyungsoo forgets that Jongin is younger than him. It's too easy to forget with the way he dances and his quiet personality. His stage presence as Kai is so impressively suave, too. Far beyond his years. He shakes his head as he realizes that he loves both 'Jongin' and 'Kai.' Both are precious to him. He smiles halfheartedly before gently nudging Jongin's shoulder. 

A soft groan fills the room as he stirs a little. He mumbles incoherent words and nuzzles his head to his sweatshirt, clearly not awake enough to move more than that. Kyungsoo tries again, this time a little harder.

"Mmm... what?" This time, Jongin's eyes open partially. On some level, he's awake. Probably not for long, knowing him.

"Here, lay down with me," Kyungsoo whispers softly. He guides Jongin to the floor, and his exhausted friend just goes with it. Within moments, he is fast asleep again. Kyungsoo is about to tuck him in when he realizes there are still shoes on his feet. He carefully takes them off before he takes off his own. He moves next to him on their bed for the night and finds it hard to be so close. Jongin's sleeping face is too beautiful, and his emotions are too raw to feel anything other than heartache. He pulls the blanket over them and rolls over onto his other side, as if that would put a barrier between them.

It takes only a few minutes for him to drift off. Unknowingly in his sleep, he moves closer to Jongin maybe for body heat or maybe it's his subconscious desire to be close to Jongin in particular. But either way, he doesn't notice as he's lost in his dreams.  


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voila. Chapter two! Enjoy~~

The next day, Taemin finds it incredibly difficult to even open his eyes, much less sit up. He wants to sleep the day away because he's still not quite over his emotional breakdown from last night and his head is still throbbing (no doubt from crying so hard.) He has no plans today, so he keeps his eyes closed and rolls back onto his side. He tosses and turns on his lumpy couch, but sleep will not claim him. After twenty minutes of that, he's done trying.

He stands up from his couch slowly and stretches. His muscles ache from sleeping on his old couch. With a yawn, he makes his way over to the kitchen. He's hungry, but he finds nothing of use. Frowning in distaste, he decides he'll have to go out for breakfast. There are so many reasons he doesn't want to go out. For one, he's simply not ready. He doesn't want to run into fans or be followed by the paparazzi while his pain is still so raw.

A sigh slips past his lips and he searches through the cabinets and his refrigerator again to no avail. It's just as empty as the time before, and he goes to his room to grab fresh clothes. He hardly pays attention whether it's even matching. He simply doesn't care right now. Clothes are just clothes, anyway. When he goes to the bathroom with them in hand, he catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

He looks awful. His hair is flayed all around his head, some stray strands sticking to his forehead. His eyes are puffy and a little red. He notices that his nose is still runny and it looks like he didn't sleep at all. His skin is oily from forgetting to take his makeup off from last night. It's good that he's about to shower, because he's really going to need it. Without another thought, he strips down and steps into his shower. The hot water and steam works wonders on his achy back and puffy face. He simply enjoys the feeling of the water on his body for a few moments before he washes his hair. 

When his shower is over, he dries himself with the towel and wipes away the steam covered mirror. His reflection looks much better than it did ten minutes ago. He changes and brushes his teeth. Within a few minutes, he's ready to go. He's too hungry to care about his wet hair. He locks the front door and makes a mental note to buy groceries after breakfast. When he gets in his car, he notices the clock, and more importantly, the time. It's earlier than he expects it to be. It's almost seven. Did he only sleep for six hours last night? He knows he's going to be exhausted later, but right now, he can't feel anything but the hunger. He drives until he finds a relatively empty restaurant he hasn't been to before.

When he enters the quaint little place, he's instantly hit with the sweet aroma of food. It's a welcome smell, and his stomach is growling. He sits at a table and a waitress comes up to him with a mug and a coffee pot in hand. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" she asks, gesturing to the items in her hands. 

"Yes, please," Taemin replies, glad to have the caffeine. It'll make him more alert. The waitress pours him a cup and asks if he'd like anything else. After glancing at the menu, he decides to order doenjang.

A few cups of coffee and a bowl of doenjang later, he's stuffed but feeling much better with himself. He sits there for a few minutes thinking over his relationship with Jongin. This time, he's much more objective than last night. Last night, he was driven to over dramatic emotions because of his exhaustion, mainly. And it was too fresh at the time.  He realizes a lot of his doubts from the night before are irrational. Jongin would most likely remain his friend no matter what. So wouldn't it be better to talk to him about how he feels? He thinks that he can move past it if he's honest with Jongin and he knows without a shadow of a doubt that there's no chance of a romantic relationship. The source of his pain is the belief that he can't have him because his feelings aren't reciprocated. The thing is, he doesn't know that for a fact. And what if, by chance, Jongin is more than okay with how he feels? What if he returns the same feelings? He knows it's a very small chance, but he can't deny its existence. He also knows that Jongin might put distance between them if it makes him uncomfortable, but Taemin decides that he can't keep harboring these feelings without truly acknowledging them. He thinks he's finally ready to come clean.

He leaves a generous tip for the waitress and gets back in his car to go to EXO's dorm. 

He's not prepared for what he arrives to. He lets himself in as usual, only to find that the air is thick with tension. Everyone is sitting in the living room like they're holding their breath in anticipation. He immediately notices the absence of Jongin, and after a minute, he realizes Kyungsoo is gone, too. As he shifts his weight from foot to foot, he ponders what he should say. Joonmyun beats him to the punch, though.

"Taemin?" the older boy asks, rushing over to him. "Do you know where Jongin and Kyungsoo are? We can't find them anywhere!"

This explains why everyone is so tense. Taemin feels a surge of panic, but quickly tries to diminish it. "Have you tried their cell phones?" he asks logically.

Joonmyun nods seriously. "Neither of them are picking up. We're not even sure when they _left_. The last we saw of either of them, they went to bed. It was about eleven last night," he answers worriedly. "Nobody saw them leave. Kyungsoo's bed looks slept in, but Jongin's doesn't..."

"Maybe they're not together?" Baekhyun suggests, furrowing his eyebrows, concern evident in his eyes. 

"I'm a little worried," Chanyeol comments quietly. "This isn't like them."

Taemin's trying to stay calm, but his mind shows him all of the worst scenarios. Mainly one involving crazy fans. Especially EXO fans. He's seen them tackle members down, and he shudders at the horrible thoughts. He'll never forget how Jongin injured his waist, either. "I hope they are together," he says, trying to shake off the panic. It won't help him think clearly, and that's exactly what he needs to do right now. "Um, has anyone tried the dance studio?"

"No," Joonmyun says. "Not yet."

Taemin feels an instant relief. "That's probably where Jongin is, at least. Does anyone want to ride with me to check?" he offers to the other members. Joonmyun nods his head. Nobody else really moves forward. Joonmyun says that he'll call them if he finds them. Taemin remains silent as he walks outside after Joonmyun. He's not sure what to say, so he stays quiet. The car ride is short and just a little awkward. Taemin himself is rather shy, and he's not very comfortable around any of the EXO members besides Jongin, at least when they're alone. When they get to the company, they head to the studio together, both speed walking.

It's Taemin who goes in first. He twists the handle to the studio he usually frequents with Jongin. What he sees makes his heart clench. Jongin is there, alright, but he's not how he expects to see him. He's laying on the floor with one arm resting on Kyungsoo's chest and his head pressing against the older's shoulder. Kyungsoo has a hand haphazardly resting on Jongin's hip. They both are still sleeping in a makeshift bed of blankets.

He has no idea what to say or even think. His mind flits from one thought to another in a flash. Why did they sneak out? Are they... together?

Taemin's heart aches more than he would have thought possible as he thinks about the possibility of Kyungsoo and Jongin being a couple. Even if they aren't, they must be really close, and that alone makes his heart thud in anguish. He doesn't ever really think about how close Jongin is with his fellow members because whenever he's around, Jongin gives him his full attention. He doesn't ever do skinship with anyone other than Taemin in his presence. Taemin notes that he does the same thing when Jongin's around him and SHINee. So upon seeing this, Taemin's incredibly jealous. He knows he shouldn't be, but he is, and it makes him venomous. He moves over to the couple and jabs at Jongin's shoulder sharply. Joonmyun gently wakes Kyungsoo.

Jongin groans as he opens his eyes. "Ow," he says childishly. "What was that for?" A frown distorts his features as he rubs where Taemin jabbed.

He tries not to think of how sexy Jongin's voice sounds when he wakes up in the morning as he replies, "Get up, sleepyhead." He hopes he doesn't sound too annoyed. He doesn't want Jongin to catch on. Not now. Not when he's around other people and _certainly not_  when he might be in a relationship. 

"Ugh," he says, rubbing his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Time to get up," Taemin says.

Kyungsoo next to him finally starts stirring until he opens his eyes.

Jongin sits up, and looks around. "When did I end up on the floor?" he wonders aloud.

"I moved you," Kyungsoo answers sleepily. "I found you here last night. You were sleeping in a chair."

Taemin listens to their exchange and feels a little better. Apparently they aren't in a relationship. But that doesn't really make him happy, because it's clear that Kyungsoo takes really good care of Jongin. Those feelings probably indicated that they are in a relationship... or heading there. He also feels a little betrayed that his best friend slept in the studio with Kyungsoo. He still remembers when Jongin slept in the studio with him... He never thought that he would do that with anyone else.

"Thanks," Jongin replies. Is it just Taemin, or is he being ignored? He hadn't even said hello... or really even looked at him.

"Now that you two are found, I guess we can leave now," Joonmyun says as he stands up, pulling Kyungsoo with him.

Taemin offers a hand to help Jongin up, but he stands up alone. The tiny rejection stings, and he needs to leave. He doesn't want to be around Jongin right now because he can't think, and every little thing is setting him off like a bomb. It's not healthy. He's rather trapped for the time being, though, and it doesn't sit well with him.

"You look horrible," Taemin jabs in the best teasing voice he can muster right now.

"I bet I do," he answers dryly. "I was dancing until almost three this morning."

Taemin feels a little sorry because his friend slept less than he did. It's about eight thirty.

"You always overwork yourself," Taemin says, softening a little. He gets the feeling that no matter what, Jongin's well-being will always be a priority in his mind. Even when he's mad like right now.

"I... was upset last night," Jongin says softly. He doesn't meet his gaze, though, and Taemin is left to wonder why he looks so shy, so uncomfortable. Since when did they keep things from each other? He seems distant, and it makes him swallow uneasily.

Nonetheless, he's concerned. "About what?" Taemin asks sincerely, grabbing his hand gingerly. His skin is so warm that it momentarily distracts him. 

"Uh, it's nothing now," the younger replies, but still doesn't meet his eyes. "I'm over it."

 _You're lying, Kim Jongin,_ Taemin thinks, but doesn't voice. He's not sure if he himself can handle the truth right now, especially if it has anything to do with Kyungsoo. He drops his hand, trying to control his emotions. He may not want to hear it if Kyungsoo has anything to do with it, but he hates the distance it's creating between him and Jongin. 

"So, um, why are you here, Taeminie?" Jongin asks, clearly trying to change the topic. The nickname makes his heart flutter and he wishes it wouldn't. He also wishes he could get out of spending the day with him, but he has no other reason he'd be here, and any lie would be painfully obvious.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go grocery shopping with me," he answers thickly. "You must be tired, though. I'll understand if you don't want to." He gives him the best sympathetic smile he can muster right now. 

"I'd never pass up an opportunity to spend time with you!" Jongin quickly replies. Taemin feels touched that there is no hesitation in his voice. He smiles at Jongin and finds that his anger and uneasiness is less than it was just moments ago. He realizes that Jongin's always had a calming effect on him, even when he only thought of him as nothing but his best friend. 

"Good. I'll take you back to the dorm first so you can clean up," Taemin says, ruffling the younger's hair. Jongin retaliates by poking his stomach and running off. A genuine laugh escapes his lips as he chases after his best friend. He tackles him and begins to tickle all of his ticklish spots until boisterous laughter fills the air. Taemin loves it that he's the one who made Jongin laugh and smile. It makes his heart feel lighter, and he's happy with it, at least for now. 

He's oblivious to the stares they are given from Kyungsoo and Joonmyun.

…

Kyungsoo feels like the moment was ripped away from him. While he feels touched that the other members worried about their well-being, he's also extremely annoyed. He wonders what might have happened if he had woken up next to Jongin naturally. It might not have been anything romantic, per se, but it might have at least been sweet, and a moment he could cherish.

And now, he'll never know. It's stupid and irrational, but he blames it on Taemin simply because he's the one holding Jongin's attention right now. His heart warms at the sound of his laughter but clenches that it is Taemin who made it happen.

He's still going to stick to the internal promise he made himself last night, but he's finding it too difficult to be in that room, watching those two interact. He drags Joonmyun out of the room with him, practically praying he doesn't figure anything out based on his actions here. But he knows that his face is very expressive when he isn't careful, and his lower lip is trembling. He steels himself, and looks up as if nothing is wrong. He thinks it might be convincing, but the look on Joonmyun's face tells him otherwise. His gaze is sympathetic and not judging. "What's going on here, Kyungsoo?" he asks, though Kyungsoo is positive that he already knows the answer.

He starts crying just then. Joonmyun just hugs him and tells him it's okay, that he'll be okay, and that it'll pass eventually. Kyungsoo breaks down, and it all spills out of his lips. Everything he's kept bottled up until now is suddenly out in the open. He mumbles incoherent thoughts in his haze of his tears. Joonmyun says more words of comfort, but he can't really focus on them because the person he loves is in love with someone else and it's so _unfair._

He hates this. He hates how his heart feels like it's being squeezed to test its limits. The only thing he wants is for the pain to stop. His instincts are telling him to run away and that he needs to get out of there. He doesn't want to face anybody, he just wants to run away to a place he can be alone so he doesn't feel the obligation to lie about anything. He wants to make himself a priority for once because it seems like he's always putting himself last. His heart thumps wildly as he tries to regain a logical thought process. 

 _Calm down, calm down,_  he tells himself. He needs to breathe and stop hiccuping for air. Joonmyun simply holds him and pats his back as comfortingly as he can. Now that he's more in control of himself, he leans into the touch and pays attention to the words of comfort. 

"-it's hard, but you'll be okay. You're strong," Joonmyun says softly. "I'm still not sure about everything that's going on here, but just know that that I'm here if you ever want to talk, Kyungsoo. I care about you." 

He's not quite sure how to reply because he doesn't trust his voice at the moment. He nods his head slightly and wipes away the tears that linger on his cheeks. He knows he needs to calm down and prepare himself to face Jongin soon, so he focuses on his breathing. Inhale, exhale. He keeps a steady rhythm and hugs Joonmyun tighter. Joonmyun feels like his anchor to reality right now; the only sturdy thing to depend on. He himself feels like he's made of fragile glass, ready to break at the slightest touch. The feeling doesn't sit well with him, but the comfort of another person makes his heart feel less heavy. 

After a few minutes, Kyungsoo has collected himself. He's positive he looks terrible, but if anyone asks, he'll say allergies or lack of sleep.  Joonmyun eyes him carefully as if he's silently checking up on him.  All he says is a heartfelt thank you to which Joonmyun responds by slinging an arm over his shoulders and saying 'anytime.'

They return to the dance studio. Jongin and Taemin are dancing intensely to Pretty Boy. Unfortunately for him, his eyes zero in on the way Jongin's hips move during the chorus. He looks up towards his face and tries not to feel disappointed that Jongin didn't even acknowledge that he's returned. He wants to interrupt them to be spiteful, but when he sees the smile that lights up Jongin's features, he doesn't have the heart to do it. His own heart aches when he looks to the other's eyes because they are glued to Taemin's reflection in the wall length mirror. They both look like they're lost in their own private world, and he wonders how much more his heart can take. 

He honestly tries to ignore how perfect they are together, but it's impossible when they both look alight like this. Their voices, their looks, their styles, their dancing... All of it is like it is made to match the other. He's not sure if he's ever seen such a perfect match before, and it hurts too much. The second the song ends, Kyungsoo snaps, "Can we go soon? I'm starving."

He gets everyone's attention. Jongin and Taemin share a look as if they are communicating with eyes rather than words. Joonmyun just looks at him with sympathy. After he's done silently communicating with Jongin, Taemin smiles at Kyungsoo and says, "My treat. I'll buy everyone except Jongin breakfast!"

Jongin playfully slaps Taemin's shoulder and says, "Jerk!"

In a sing-song voice, he replies, "Just kidding." He sticks out his tongue at the youngest. "I'll buy you breakfast, too. Everyone to my car."

Joonmyun smiles and thanks Taemin sincerely before following Kyungsoo out the door. Jongin (always the first in the studio and the last to leave) holds the door for Taemin and follows him out after he turns the lights off.

Kyungsoo wishes that Taemin wasn't such a nice guy, because it's hard not to like him by his personality. He thinks if it wasn't for his feelings for Jongin, he'd probably like Taemin a lot and look up to him more.

He follows Joonmyun to Taemin's car and waits for the 'couple' to catch up. As much as he doesn't want to watch them, he finds himself watching them as the play around. Jongin tugs on Taemin's hair and runs ahead. "Your hair's getting long again," he teases. "Noona."

"Hey!" he yells, chasing after his friend. With Jongin's long legs, he's far ahead of Taemin. "Not fair. You're too tall!" he whines. Jongin's laughter is all Kyungsoo can hear as they approach. When Taemin finally catches up, he lets everyone in the car. "Jongin, I'm going to get you back for that."

"You couldn't even catch me!" Jongin teases playfully.

"But now you're in my car, and I can boss you around," Taemin answers, just as playful as Jongin. There's a gleam in his eyes whenever he looks at the youngest of them, and he's not sure how long it's been there. Now that he's noticed it, he can't not notice, no matter how much he tries. He can't tell if he wants it to be there or not, because he knows how Jongin feels, but he also knows his own emotions. He wants to be the one to be by his side, not Taemin. It's an impossible situation because either way, someone's hurt by it.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and tries to not feel like a third wheel. He wonders if Joonmyun is doing the same thing...  _It's going to be a long breakfast,_ he thinks as he stares out the window from the backseat glumly. He wishes he had his phone and headphones with him so he wouldn't have to listen to Jongin and Taemin's conversations. The idea of chatting with Joonmyun crosses his mind, but he honestly can't think of anything to say right now, so he remains silent and tries to focus on the scenery outside.  

It's impossible to ignore the conversation in front of him, even when he's doing his best to tune it out. "I want fried chicken," Jongin says, no longer teasing Taemin (to Kyungsoo's relief.)

"You always want fried chicken," Taemin counters. "What do you two want?" he asks Joonmyun and him through the mirror.

Kyungsoo shrugs his shoulders. "I'm okay with anything." 

Joonmyun nods and says, "Same here. Whatever you'd like, sunbaenim."

"No need for formalities. We aren't on camera and I'm younger than you," he answers. "And I already ate breakfast. So I guess we'll go where Jongin wants to go."

"Taemin, you don't have to buy us breakfast!" Jongin says. "Especially if you've already eaten!"

"I want to. It's not a problem," he says with a smile. "It's been a while since I spent time with people other than SHINee and you."

Kyungsoo tries to not scoff at his comment. Joonmyun and him may be in the car with him, but the only person he's even tried to converse with is Jongin. He's not sure if Taemin is doing it on purpose or if it's because both him and Joonmyun are both rather quiet and he doesn't know how to approach them, but it's painfully obvious to him how comfortable he is with Jongin. The thought unsettles him because he's never been able to feel that relaxed around his roommate, despite his best efforts.

Watching the two of them, Kyungsoo tries to figure out if Jongin's emotions really are as one sided as he made them seem. Kyungsoo originally agreed with Jongin about his feelings being unrequited, but now he's not too sure. Taemin dotes on Jongin more than best friends would, and there's that look in his eyes whenever he looks at the younger member. Also, he acted so moody earlier when they first woke up. That had to have been jealousy. There is no other word to describe that, right? Or is he misinterpreting things again?

He's not sure of anything, and now he's confusing himself even more.

There's only one thing he's sure of, and it's the one thought that crosses his mind that doesn't make him feel as miserable with himself. 

 _I'm going to be there for Jongin, no matter what comes of his relationship with Taemin._ Those words are still true to him. It may hurt like the blade of a knife, but Jongin is worth it.

But Kyungsoo does need to think of himself, too. As he sits in the car, he thinks of ways to give himself space from Jongin to collect himself and reevaluate the situation. He knows that it's impossible to do while seeing him every single day... and sharing the same room. Perhaps he should get his own place and relax a little. It's reasonable to want his own apartment, and the money is no problem. It might upset some of the members of EXO, but he needs to stop putting himself at the bottom of his priority list. Despite knowing that he needs to think of himself, he can't help but worry about how this will affect Jongin in particular.

Jongin's never done very well with big changes. He spent months moping around after Kris and Luhan left the group. Not that Kyungsoo intends to leave permanently, it's just... he knows how he'll feel about it. And Kyungsoo will feel guilty because Jongin will be left in the dark. Telling him about his feelings are out of the question at this time. It's not even a possibility. He doesn't want to complicate their relationship more than it already is. So that means Jongin will feel rejected and hurt by his decision. 

He doesn't want this. Hurting Jongin should never be a part of his plan. Ever. But what else can he do? He's not ready to explain himself, and he can't stay in an environment that's unhealthy for him. Jongin wouldn't want that for him, anyway. 

He feels sick with himself when they finally arrive at the place they'll eat breakfast. As they are getting out of the car, Joonmyun's phone rings. Kyungsoo isn't sure who it is on the other end of the call, but he quickly figures out it's the rest of their members.

"I'm sorry I forgot to call," Joonmyun answers. "Yeah, Taemin and I found them. They were sleeping in the dance studio." A pause fills the air before he replies again. "Apparently Jongin was upset and he went to the dance studio without telling anyone. Kyungsoo went to look for him." Another pause. Jongin's face looks a little flushed, no doubt from the conversation Joonmyun is having. "No, I think he's okay now."

Jongin hides his face behind Taemin's shoulders in embarrassment.

"I'm fine," he says. "It really was nothing!"

Kyungsoo knows it wasn't. He doesn't challenge it, though. There's no need to deny Jongin's words and start up more drama. He's already had enough for a lifetime, he honestly needs to do all he can to avoid more. 

HIs eyes don't miss how Taemin nudges Jongin softly and places a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He leans in and whispers something into Jongin's ear. Kyungsoo doesn't think he was supposed to hear, but he did. "If you ever want to talk, you can always call me. I'm here for you, Jonginie. Always."

It may have been innocent, but it's like every little thing is a match setting him on fire. Was it Taemin that was there for Jongin last night when he was sobbing into his shoulder? No. It wasn't. It was Kyungsoo. So no, Taemin won't always be there. Not when he's the source of heartache and pain. Kyungsoo grinds his teeth together and clenches his fists. Even if Taemin's in the dark and has no clue about the pain he's causing, he still can't stifle his anger down. All these mood changes are driving him insane. All he wants is to go back to the dorm and stay in there for the rest of eternity. At the very least until he's calmed down. 

But no. He's stuck there, in some random restaurant, having the most awkward breakfast of all time. 

They are seated and everyone orders. Kyungsoo manages to tune out Taemin's story telling (something about being here this morning?) by looking over the menu intensely, really trying to hear the words in his head. He also thinks over his options and soon, the waitress comes over and interrupts them anyway. He orders his food, and calms down a little. Soon, it arrives and he realizes just how hungry he really is as he takes in the delicious smells. Since he's finally distracted, he relaxes much more and chats a little with Joonmyun.

Taemin and Jongin carry on a conversation, but Kyungsoo can ignore it fairly well. Before he knows it, the breakfast is over. Only Jongin is still eating, which is no surprise. He's always had such a large appetite, and he ordered a second dish. 

Just when Kyungsoo starts feeling better, another thing sets him off. Jongin has some crumbs on his chin and Taemin tenderly brushes them off, not missing the opportunity to brush his lips. 

As his fists clench in a rising storm of emotions, Kyungsoo notices a hand is now gently resting on his knee, no doubt from Joonmyun next to him. He isn't paying attention to him much, though. His focus is on the way Jongin blushes and looks away from Taemin like a flustered girl.

He finds it so endearing because it's truly an adorable sight, but he can't stop seething with jealousy. It makes him want to punch Taemin so incredibly bad. He resists the urge, though, because he knows that would start drama he doesn't need or want. 

Imagining it is enough for right now. He sits there glaring at the table and bites his tongue. A few minutes later, they're leaving. The car ride is filled with more useless and girlish chatting from Taemin and Jongin that he tries to ignore. The ride seems to take centuries, but eventually they arrive at the dorm. Immediately, he's overwhelmed with the reactions of his band members. Some of the guys hug Kyungsoo and Jongin. Some of them scold them. Others look like they're just dying to find out what happened.

Jongin is the one who is bombarded with questions first. Kyungsoo knows Jongin hates being the center of this kind of attention, so he tries to get them to back off a little. "Guys give us a break! We barely got any sleep. I'll tell you whatever you want to know later, okay?"

Jongin shoots him a grateful smile, and Kyungsoo realizes it's the first time today that he feels like Jongin's actually paying any attention to him.

Joonmyun smiles at the other members and says, "Kyungsoo's right. You should at least let them get changed and showered before attacking them with questions."

Finally free of the spotlight for a few moments, Kyungsoo and Jongin make a run for it to their room. Taemin follows them silently. Jongin's rather quiet, too. Kyungsoo decides to head to the bathroom instead of the room, because he can finally have space from them now, and he's going to utilize it. 

He sheds his clothes and showers immediately. The hot water burns his skin, but it's not hot enough at the same time. He turns it up higher and higher and then the bathroom is filled with steam. It feels great against his skin, and he feels his muscles relax.

The heat feels like it's cleansing him emotionally, while the water cleans him physically. For the first time in a few days, he feels at peace.

…

Jongin's heart has been fluttering and pounding all day. Taemin's presence has his emotions all over the place, definitely, but spending time with him makes him so happy. It makes him feel so much better than yesterday, like it was just a bad dream. He forgets the pain when he's actually spending time with him laughing and smiling. He tries not to think about how it'll feel when he goes home, because reality will crash in on him like a ton of bricks. He unknowingly shakes his head to clear it of the negativity. He's with Taemin now, and he's so unbelievably happy. Days like these are the reason he's so hopelessly in love with him to begin with. 

He has it so bad for Taemin, it's unreal. And when Taemin brushed the crumbs off of his chin and lips earlier, his heart was pounding and his face flushed scarlet. He's never felt that flustered around Taemin before, and he hopes that he wasn't too obvious... 

Taemin seems more than okay with his reaction though. When they are in the privacy of his room, Taemin lays on Jongin's bed and says, "You're so cute, Jonginie. How do you do it?"

The younger blushes as he digs around for something nice to wear. "I'm not that cute," he replies. "You're the cute one, Taeminie!"

"Shut up! I was trying to give you a compliment," Taemin says as he throws a pillow at Jongin.

"Hey!" Jongin exclaims, picking it up and going to Taemin with the pillow in his hand. He hits him back, and the older retaliates by grabbing another pillow and swings at Jongin. Both of them are laughing and hitting each other, and Jongin feels so carefree and exhilarated. He can't even remember the last time he felt this way.

He collapses on the bed. "You win, Taeminie. I'm tired," he says breathlessly.

Taemin lays next to him, but lays on his side so he can look at him. Jongin tilts his head to look at his eyes. Taemin's eyes have always been beautiful to him, and he loves getting lost in them. Taemin looks as if he's struggling to put something into words, and the vibe changes from carefree to serious. Jongin's pulse begins to pound in his ears, and he anticipates what he'll say next. 

"Jongin... I have a serious question to ask you," Taemin starts, swallowing nervously.

He wants to reassure Taemin, so he also sits on his side and moves his hand to the older's shoulder. "Go ahead and ask me anything," he answers softy. Their faces are so close that he feels the need to whisper.

Taemin takes a deep breath and then starts his question. "Are you... gay?" he asks almost inaudibly.

Jongin stiffens because that isn't what he expected. He feels way more nervous than before and doesn't know how to answer. He's never really thought of his feelings for Taemin in that sort of way.

He's always thought of it as more of a special exception that he fell in love with Taemin. He has been attracted to girls, too, so he has no idea how to answer the question. He also doesn't want Taemin to think he's weird... And what if it makes him uncomfortable?

"No," he says finally. "I'm not." He's not sure how convincing it is, though, because it hadn't been immediate. He thought about it first.

"You're lying," Taemin says almost uncertainly. "Jongin, please be honest." He looks really nervous and Jongin gets the impression that this question has a lot of significance.

He takes a shaky breath and answers, "I might be. But... I'm confused. I've been attracted to girls before, but... I... I'm not sure of it. I'm not completely straight..." His heart is pounding obnoxiously in his nervousness. This is so, so, _so_ hard for him. He's never been good at expressing himself, but he's falling apart now. His words aren't cooperating with him. He hates how naked he feels right now. This is a scary topic to share with Taemin, especially when he's not prepared for it. It's uncharted territory between them. "Um... why do you ask?" he asks in a whisper. This is equally as terrifying to him. 

Taemin turns away from him, uncharacteristically shyly. "Because I am. I... I was worried that you would be uncomfortable."

Jongin feels relief flood his system. Taemin doesn't want a girl. And Jongin isn't a girl. Could that mean...?

"I'm always here for you, Taeminie. That will _never_ change. And-"

The door opens suddenly, and it's Kyungsoo... wearing only a towel. Taemin reflexively moves away from Jongin and sits a good foot away from where they just were. "I'm... sorry. I'll leave you to change!" he says as he stands to leave.

Jongin is about to follow him out when Taemin turns around and puts a hand on his chest. A flash of uncertainty crosses his features and he retracts his hand, like he's crossed some unspoken barrier. "Um... you need to shower and change, too. I'll wait for you in the living room. We can finish our talk in private." Jongin wants nothing more than to grab his hand and hold it because he doesn't like the awkwardness in the air. 

"Are you sure?" he asks, looking at him, trying to convey his reluctance. He hates that they were interrupted. 

Taemin nods uncertainly, but leaves the room anyway, eyeing Kyungsoo nervously. Jongin doesn't understand that look, but he decides to do what the older wants. "Okay," he says quietly. The sooner he showers and changes, the sooner they can leave and be alone to continue their conversation.

After the door closes, he grabs out a shirt Taemin once said looks good on him. He finds the matching pair of jeans while Kyungsoo changes. Jongin doesn't even really look at him because he's starting to get the feeling that something bigger than he knows is going down here. He doesn't know how to handle it, either. So keeping his eyes firmly locked on his clothes and the ground is his safest bet for now.

But then he realizes that now might be a good time to figure out what's going on with Kyungsoo, and why he's been upset lately. So he asks, "Are you okay?" He finally looks up to meet his gaze. He's already half dressed, anyway.

"I'm fine," Kyungsoo replies, immediately avoiding eye contact. "The shower is all yours." It's a normal comment, Jongin thinks, but his voice is slightly strained.

"You can talk to me about anything, you know. I might be a hypocrite, but that's only because I'm better at listening to other people than expressing my own emotions," he says thoughtfully, trying to make it clear that he's here if he needs to talk. 

"You should go," Kyungsoo says, his voice still strained. "Taemin's waiting for you."

Jongin feels a sting in his heart. Here he is, honestly trying to reach out and comfort a friend who's been there for him, and he's being shut out. He stands and exits the room, unsure of what else to say so he says nothing at all.

His shower is brief and short. He's eager to get out of the dorm because he feels suffocated in there. Once his skin is clean and smells like his coconut body wash, he changes and decides to let his hair air dry. He pushes open the slightly squeaky door and double checks to make sure he has his wallet and phone. Thankfully, he has both. He meets Taemin in the living room with a smile.

His heart flutters when he hears Taemin's laughter. He loves the sound so much. It brings him a lot of happiness. "Hey. I'm ready whenever you are," he says with a smirk.

His eyes don't miss the way the older looks away with some blush hinting at his cheeks. Jongin realizes that he might look hot in what he's wearing... not to mention the wet hair that still clings to his forehead. The thought that he was the one to put blush on Taemin's cheeks makes him feel buzzed with energy and excitement. Jongin's finally starting to catch on that his affection and admiration for Taemin isn't completely one-sided. Is it possible that Taemin likes him as more than just a friend? The thought makes him so happy, but now new fears are entering his mind.

What if they do try out a relationship, and it backfires? What would the company do? Would the company try to keep them apart? And who would they tell, if anyone?

Jongin can't only think of his attraction. He can't be selfish. EXO is finally doing well again... They're back, and a scandal is the last thing they need. Same for SHINee. If they do try a relationship, it would have to be incredibly discreet. There are already rumors around... This would just amplify them.

As they get into the car, though, Jongin decides that he'll just have to wait and see. He's been overthinking things too much lately, and it's nothing but a headache for him. Besides, Taemin hasn't made himself clear about anything in particular.

"Hey, Jonginie, are you okay? You're spacing out on me," Taemin says, looking over at him with uneasy concern written on his face.

He just smiles and says, "Sorry, just thinking. So what are we doing today?"

Taemin looks like he wants to say something more important, but he goes with the topic change for now. "Grocery shopping for sure. My kitchen is a barren wasteland."

Jongin laughs and says, "That doesn't surprise me. You never remember to shop for groceries until it's completely empty."

Taemin smiles genuinely, and it makes Jongin's heart pound. That fucking adorable and sexy smile has him going crazy. If this keeps up, he's not sure how he can keep himself in check. He's always so clouded and confused about his emotions with Taemin around, and while he hates it, he can't bring himself to hate spending time with him.

"Jongin, um, about earlier... I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I know I said it earlier, but I really mean it."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about. I mean what I said, too. I'll always be here for you, no matter what. You're gay? Who cares. It doesn't change anything for me. I'll always be your best friend, your shoulder to cry on, your soft place to fall. Nothing can change that. Taemin, your sexuality... it doesn't make me uncomfortable. You're still Taeminie and you always will be," Jongin states, rather in shock of himself. The words flowed so naturally, and he usually struggles with expressing his emotions. Maybe he's not as confused as he thinks around Taemin. Maybe things are actually pretty clear.

A small tear leaks out of the corner of Taemin's eyes, and Jongin immediately wonders why. He gently brushes it away, and hopes he doesn't distract the older from driving safely. "What's wrong?" he asks softly.

Taemin pulls the car over and takes a moment to breathe. It's an extremely rare sight to see Taemin crying. He's only ever seen it once before. "They're happy tears, believe me. I was just so worried you'd reject me... The relief is overwhelming. Nobody but you knows about my sexuality, and I was so scared that I'd be judged harshly..."

"Taeminie, I could never push you away," he replies, gently interlocking their fingers. "You mean everything to me." His heart is pounding furiously now, and he wonders if Taemin can hear it.

He's suddenly thankful that Taemin's car has the darkest tinted windows around. Nobody but them will know what happens here, but it's also dangerous. He wants so badly to press his lips to those beautiful ones in front of him. He wants to kiss away the tears and make him laugh and smile, but uncertainty holds him back.

Taemin looks to him and appears to be thinking the same, which immediately confuses him even more. Are his feelings reciprocated? He holds the heated gaze from Taemin and unconsciously leans closer until mere inches separate their faces.  

"Jongin," the older starts, but is rudely interrupted by the younger's cell phone ringing. It startles them both, and they startle upright in their seats. 

Why are they always interrupted?

"Uh, you should get that. I'll start driving again," Taemin says as he wipes at the few tears on his cheeks. 

Jongin wants to protest, but it's Joonmyun, and if he ignores the call, he's bound to be scolded when he gets home. He's done being the center of attention, so he says, "I'll see what he wants. I want to continue our conversation, though."

Taemin just nods and keeps his eyes on the road while Jongin answers. "Hello?"

"Jongin-ah, we have a bit of a problem," his hyung says kind of annoyedly.

"What is it?" he asks.

"The managers mixed up the day of our interview," he says. "It's today, not tomorrow. We're already late. Could you meet us at the studio?"

Jongin really doesn't want to, but the managers will have his head if he doesn't show up. A sigh slips past his lips, and he notices Taemin glance at him. "Fine. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Sorry," Joonmyun says. "I hope I didn't interrupt anything."

"Don't worry, hyung, you didn't," he lies easily over the phone.

"Okay, I'll see you soon then," Joonmyun says with finality.

"Yeah, bye," he says before they hang up.

"What was that about?" Taemin asks, already somewhat sure of what his answer will be.

"Our managers mixed up the date of an interview we're scheduled for. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but I guess it's today."

"When?"

"Now," Jongin answers with another sigh. Sometimes his schedule is hectic, and it's hard to get used to plans being cut short.

Taemin understands because this has happened to him before. Jongin can tell that the older hates it just as much as he does. Taemin nods and changes the direction, his face annoyingly neutral. They aren't far from the studio, so it's only a few minutes drive. Jongin's trying to figure out what to say, but he draws up a blank. His unusual moment of being able to express his emotions has passed, and everything's confusing again.

Both boys are quiet in the car. Jongin hopes that the next time he sees Taemin, they won't be interrupted. 

"I'll text you whenever it ends. Maybe we can get dinner?" Jongin asks, hoping the older male says yes.

"Sure. See you later, Jonginie," Taemin says softly. "I'll be watching on TV!" Just like that, most of his worries are brushed away.

Jongin smiles and waves goodbye. "Thanks for the ride!"

He goes into the studio with the smile still on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Things are going to heat up really quick after this.  
> Oh, and does anyone want to follow me on tumblr? If you do, my url is exo-el-kai. And I also have an AsianFanFics account (E-X-O-El) if you prefer that!  
> Thanks for reading!! <3


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Here's the next chapter. (This one would have been up last night, but I ended up adding in more details than I was expecting.)

Jongin's heart is pounding ferociously against his rib cage. He's under the lights and cameras and he's doing everything he possibly can to keep a cool facade. It's hard... so incredibly hard. His every single move is watched by thousands of people... including Taemin. And he's extremely nervous, almost like when he was new to his fame. This is different, though. This is because he's unscripted and he can't stop thinking about the personal questions the MCs are asking.

He tries to hide his shaking hands in his lap as he smiles his best camera smile. Time has given him gifts when it comes to television and interviews. He just has to stay calm and continuously reassure himself.

"What is your ideal type?" one of the MCs ask, smiling at the camera flawlessly. Jongin's thankful that he's shy, in a weird way, because his reluctance to answer could be blamed on it. He listens as the others answer, and he thinks to formulate a response.

"My ideal type is someone with a pure heart and is passionate about their work," he answers smoothly. He's thought about this question before, so it's no surprise. He can handle it. But the next question from the MCs startle him.

"Hmm... you say 'someone' rather than 'a girl.' Is there any particular reason for that?" an MC asks curiously, and Jongin knows he's fallen into a trap.

"No," he says with finality. "It was a slip of the tongue. My ideal type is a _girl_  with a pure heart and who's passionate about her work." He supposes it's true, to an extent. It would be ideal if he was in love with a girl rather than his best friend. But he honestly can't imagine not loving Taemin, despite all the pain he's been through because of it. He can't voice any of this to the media, though. Especially not when same sex couples are such a touchy subject in Korea. 

"Oh, okay," the MCs say. "We were just wondering about the rumors circulating about you and SHINee's Lee Taemin. What do you have to say on the matter?"

"Taeminie is my best friend," he answers, but knows it won't be enough, so he elaborates before they speculate more. "Out of all the people in the world, Taemin is the one I can count on the most. He taught me a lot of the dancing I know now while we were trainees, and he's gotten me through tough times before. He's both a best friend and a mentor to me." 

"But you two spend quite a lot of time together, right?" one asks with an eyebrow cocked. 

"Yes, that's true," he replies with a laugh. "We spend most of our free time together, but we don't do anything very exciting. Sometimes we play video games, but we mostly are dancing or eating." 

His heart is racing again. This is more like an interrogation than an interview in his mind and one wrong answer, one slip of the tongue, and it's over. He has to be careful. Every single word is important here, and he has to tread carefully. The pressure he feels is enormous and heavy, like it's weighing him down into the seat. He can't show any of it, though, so he hides it behind a well-practiced smile. 

"How well would you say you know him?" another MC asked.

"I know him better than anyone else," he replies easily. _That one wasn't that tough,_ he thinks. Maybe he's past the hardest part. 

"Would you date him if he was a girl?" the other MC asks deviously. _I jinxed it..._

He tries to look as if he's deep in thought (which isn't really hard) because he's really trying to think of what to say. He hopes the media interprets it as surprise, like he's never even considered dating him before. He forces his facial features to match that image he wants them to see. "I don't know, maybe?" he answers. Before they can hound him, he continues. "But I like him the way he is. He's my best friend for a reason. If he was a girl... we wouldn't be the same."

"Oh," the MC says as if he wasn't expecting this kind of an answer.

Jongin prays it's enough to dispel rumors, because he's not sure how much more he can take. This interview is so hard for him because he's piecing together fragments of the truth and coating them with lies. He can feel the weight of them as if they are pressing him to his seat. He feels heavy, and he doesn't like it. All he wants is to come clean with his feelings, but he knows that isn't possible. He's trapped in this terrible trap of always feeling negative about something. It scares him, but he flashes a blinding smile to the cameras and puts as much happiness into it as he can.

"Well, I guess that's it, everybody. Taemin and Kai are not dating. Both are free for the taking, ladies. We'll hear from the rest of the members after this short break."

Jongin smiles and laughs as genuinely as possible, doing his best to look like a carefree young idol. The media loves it when he's like this, so he can only hope that they can't see through him. He lets out a shaky breath once they switch to commercials. It's made of a temporary relief. He knows that this won't go away, though. It'll come up time and time again, if not tonight, then tomorrow. It always does, no matter how much he wishes it wouldn't. 

…

Taemin's suddenly feeling nervous as he watches the turn the interview took. He knows that after they're done asking Kyungsoo about his ideal type, they'll move onto Jongin sitting next to him. He's positive that he doesn't want to hear Jongin's responses, but he can't bring himself to turn off the TV. Maybe it's out of curiosity or maybe it's out of adoration for Jongin's smile, but he doesn't turn it off. He knows it's probably not the best idea, given what's been happening between them, but he really can't bring himself to do it. He doesn't want to listen to Jongin's ideal type, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to turn the TV off.

His eyes are glued to Jongin and his heart races as he hears the questions asked. He's not too surprised, he thinks, at the "someone" thing. Jongin honestly seemed genuine when he said he isn't completely straight. So the mistake makes sense... and the response from the MCs also makes sense. But the next question they ask is the one he really wishes he could tune out. 

_"We were just wondering about the rumors circulating about you and SHINee's Lee Taemin. What do you have to say on the matter?"_

Taemin's pulse is racing behind his ears, and he feels a mix of anticipation and dread as he waits for Jongin's reply. When he hears it, though, he's actually very pleased. He loves it that Jongin thinks so highly of him, and it does relax him a little. It's not so bad now that they aren't asking about romance particularly. He almost feels content with the interview until he hears the last question.

 _"Would you date him if he was a girl?"_ Taemin's heart clenches at the way-too-personal question and bites his lip. He has no idea what he wants to hear, but it's not what Jongin says. Tears prick the corners of his eyes when he hears 'he's my best friend for a reason.' His face feels too hot as the tears begin to fall down his cheeks.

That's all they really are, isn't it?

Just friends. And suddenly he feels like an idiot. Jongin even said "I'll always be your best friend," and "that will never change" to reassure him this morning. How could he miss it? 

He turns off the TV and throws the remote to the ground. Tears are already overflowing from his eyes, a mix of frustration and heartache. He can't decide which is dominant as a sob tears through his throat. 

He's so stupid to think that Jongin means anything more than what they already have. He's so incredibly stupid. 

Just friends... _just friends_. He hates those words because they hurt way more than they should. He should be happy that he has a friend like Jongin. Why isn't he content with what he has? 

It's unfair. He knows it's irrational, ridiculous, and stupid, but who ever said love wasn't those things?

Love hurts when it's not returned. He should know this by now. He's spent years in this trap of being loved but not being loved back in the same way. His lower lip trembles and he feels like he's falling apart with every tear that spills down his cheeks. He's never felt so broken and lost before. He can't hold back _anything_. His sobs increase in volume and he scrunches his eyes closed in a useless effort to stop crying. 

It doesn't work. It just adds to the pain he's already lost in. He punches his fist to the bed uselessly. He's angry at Jongin for not reciprocating his feelings. He's angry at himself for feeling that way to begin with. And most importantly, he's angry that he can't stop the endless stream of tears and uncontrollable sobs. 

He's shaking and cold, even as he buries himself in blankets. Normally he can find some semblance of comfort in their warmth, but he feels nothing. He's every bit as heart broken as before, and he feels so alone. There's nobody to hold him when he cries because the only person who could doesn't understand anything. 

 _I can't keep doing this_ , he thinks. _I need space from Jongin._

The thought alone aches in a new way. He feels hopeless, like every choice leads to heartache and pain. Maybe they do. He's not sure anymore.

He quivers in his bed until the tears dry up. Minutes pass painfully as he lays there locked in his haze of grief. After maybe an hour of staring at the ceiling, his eyes fall closed, weary from the crying. He feels the exhaustion straight to his bones until he's in a dreamless, empty sleep.

It's a few hours later when he wakes to his phone ringing. He knows who it is before he even opens his eyes because _who else would it be_? But he doesn't want to answer. He'll just make up some excuse later. Jongin is not what he needs when he's like this. He rolls over and wishes he could just sleep again. Sleeping is his only reprieve from the aching of his heart.

He honestly tries to ignore his phone, but it's impossible when it keeps ringing like that. He sits up reluctantly and the call ends as he lifts up his phone. Of course he misses the call by mere seconds. It seems like he can't do anything right, and the timing is always off. He stares at the callback button, internally debating about whether or not he should call back when a voicemail notification pops up.

Does he really want to listen to it? If he's honest with himself, he doesn't want to hear Jongin's voice. He's not sure that he can take it, but he can't deny that he wants to know what he said, though.

He presses the play button with shaky fingers. 

"Hey, Taeminie... it's me. I've tried calling a couple times already. This isn't like you, so I'm a little worried. Is something wrong?" A pause. "If there is, please talk to me. I... uh... I..." He pauses, and Taemin wonders what he's about to say when he hears a sigh on the other end of the line. "Just call me whenever you get this, okay? Thank you..."

Why does Jongin sound so dejected and sad? Taemin immediately feels terrible for making him upset. Should he call him?

Yes, yes he should call him back. Jongin doesn't deserve to be ignored. Taemin does need to work through his emotions and sort himself out, but Jongin deserves to know for a fact that he's not going out tonight.

He knows that Jongin deserves a lot more than a phone call to cancel their plans, but he just can’t go out tonight. His thumb hovers over the call button as he thinks of what to say. Obviously he's not going to tell the truth. His voice is hoarse... maybe he can pull off being sick. He taps on call and waits numbly. 

It rings and rings and rings. Taemin thinks it's weird because it hasn't even been five minutes since Jongin left the voicemail.

"Hello, this is Jongin. I'm sorry that I'm unavailable. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can!" 

After the beep, Taemin sighs. "Jonginie, there's nothing I hate more than phone tag. Anyway... I'm not feeling very well. I'm sorry, I was napping when you called earlier. I'll call you when I'm feeling better, okay? Bye." 

He hangs up, wondering why Jongin didn't answer. It's extremely unlike him, especially given that he just recently called him. The more he thinks about it, the weirder it seems, and now he's a little worried. He thinks about how sad he sounded in the voicemail, and he knows he needs to be there for him, even if it hurts. He texts him a quick message simply saying "Hey."

He doesn't hear back after an hour, and he's pacing his room now. _Damnit Jongin_ , he thinks internally. He wonders what's happening, because _fuck_ , Jongin never ignores his calls. Never. Not even when they're fighting. 

He's wracked with worry now. Nothing adds up. 

He tries calling again, and after a few rings, he hears, "Hello?" confusedly.

"Jongin?" Taemin asks quietly. It doesn't sound like him, but the connection is rather poor. 

"No, this is Kyungsoo. Jongin left his phone here by accident." His voice is bitter and reluctant.

"Do you know where he is?" Taemin asks, uncomfortable speaking to Jongin's roommate.

"No," Kyungsoo answered curtly. The younger between them gets the impression that he's lying, but doesn't push it.

"Um... is he upset?" Taemin inquires, hoping to get some answers, but feeling sick with uneasiness.

A rather loud sigh is all he can hear for a few heart beats. "It's not my place to say anything."

"Oh... okay," Taemin responds, swallowing nervously. His mind races as he thinks of what could have upset Jongin. "Just tell him to call me when he gets in, okay?"

"Uh huh," Jongin's roommate mumbles. "Bye."

"Thank you, Kyungsoo," he whispers. The other hangs up on him, and Taemin doesn't blame him. There's a mutual distaste they have for one another. He supposes it's due to the fact that they both are very close with Jongin in a more than friendly way. And Taemin hates the idea that Jongin is just as close to Kyungsoo as he is with him. If Kyungsoo thinks the same way, it makes sense. But one question lingers in his mind... are they already dating? 

The thought makes him cringe because it's honestly the last thing he needs to think about. It's just another thing that leads to more heartache and confusion. He wants to hide away from everything; his feelings, his tears, his own friends. He wants to be alone, but doesn't at the same time.

He wants to be comforted...  _by Jongin_. That's the problem.

Jongin.

He hates this. He hates these negative feelings because everything is dark and dim and _cold_. He wishes that he could wave a wand and forget this pain. All he wants is to be happy and not feel so much anguish and heartache.

 _Kim Jongin, you are going to be the death of me,_ he thinks solemnly as tears start to reform in his still puffy eyes.

…

Kyungsoo is half tempted to throw the phone out the window when he notices that it's Taemin calling. That's the last thing he needs when he's in the middle of an emotional storm. All of them are upset and uneasy at the most recent news of Tao. Everything's a mess and then Taemin's there, ready to add to it. 

He's too emotionally exhausted to feel much more than numb, but Jongin... Jongin was a different story. Tears pricked his eyes when he said he was going out. Kyungsoo let him go because he knew exactly where he'd be. Jongin's always taken comfort in dancing, and this isn't any different than with Yifan and Luhan. It's been hours since he left, though, and now Kyungsoo sits in his room wondering if he should have tried to comfort him, even though he's trying to keep his distance. He feels conflicted over everything Jongin related... he's always second guessing himself.

It's nearing midnight now, and still his roommate hasn't returned. Kyungsoo knows that Jongin needs to dance his pain away, but he can't help but worry.

He tries to lay down and sleep. It takes about an hour, despite how exhausted he is, for sleep to finally claim him.

His dreams are peaceful, but in a horrible way. They are memories of when times were good. Luhan and Yifan are there, joking around and laughing. Jongin is there, too, with a smile on his face. All twelve of them are playing and having a great time. He remembers the closeness they had, and the memories are too bittersweet. 

That's why he wakes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Next to him is a still empty bed.

The nostalgia of the bittersweet memories breaks him, even when he's been trying so hard to hold it together. He feels the pain of their loss harder than he's ever felt it before. Tears cascade down his cheeks and sobs fill the silence of the room. He doesn't want to lose Tao, and he doesn't want to feel sad anymore. He misses being happy when there were twelve of them and before his relationship with Jongin got complicated. He misses the way they used to be. 

Suddenly, everything hurts and he can't make it stop. Joonmyun from the room across comes running after a few seconds of hearing his sobs. He doesn't even hesitate to climb into the bed with him and comforts him. "Shhh, it's okay," Joonmyun mutters, holding him as reassuringly as he can. "I'm here," he whispers into Kyungsoo's hair as he rubs reassuring circles into his back. 

They sit like that for hours until Kyungsoo calms down enough to talk to him. Everything spills out. Every single emotion he has been keeping locked away about both Jongin and the loss of their members. Joonmyun simply listens and wipes away his tears. He shares with Kyungsoo about his own pain, too, before they're both too exhausted to stay awake. Kyungsoo falls asleep feeling genuinely reassured. Joonmyun's presence makes him feel safe and cared for. He appreciates it so much. 

That's his last thought before he's finally in a relaxed slumber. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this! I tried to parallel it with the first chapter where you see Taemin on stage.  
> Oh, and brace yourselves for chapter four. It's a killer drama-wise.  
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya~~ Sorry about the super duper late update. I swear that this chapter is cursed! Every time I tried to revise or edit it, my computer (or wifi) crashed and I had to start over. I'm so sorry!! 
> 
> Oh, and if you want a peak at my new TaeKai story coming up, you should read the end note! I'd love to hear your feedback!
> 
> Okay, now to the part you've all been waiting for~

Jongin's heart is pounding furiously as he dances. He doesn't even notice the music anymore. It's just the pounding of his pulsing blood in his ears. _Step. Turn. Body roll._ He does familiar routines, but it's just not  _right_. Nothing's right. His eyes don't need to be open to know how jerky and disconnected his movements are because he can feel it. The distraction of his dancing isn't working.  _He's_ not working. 

But he keeps at it. It's the only thing that can possibly be a distraction when everything is wrong.

Yifan and Luhan are gone.

Tao's leaving.

Taemin is avoiding him.

Kyungsoo is pushing him away.

Every little thing is tearing him apart. His inability to dance properly, his confusing emotions about Taemin, the sorrow of losing members, and Kyungsoo's actions towards him. All of it weighs him down and tears him apart piece by piece. It's all encompassing and suffocating. Everything is like a dagger to his heart, and he can't stop thinking. He can't lose himself and his emotions. Normally dancing makes his mind blank. There's nothing but the music and his body. But not now.

Now, it's everything. It's every memory of laughter, every tear he's ever cried, every sting of rejection. All of it's at the boiling point and Jongin can't hold any of it back anymore. A swirl of anger, heartache, bitterness, and sorrow overtake him as he tries to follow the choreography he's known ever since he debuted. He can't feel the music, he can't lose himself in their beats. The movements are worse than he's ever performed them. 

He botched the entire song. He knows it. He can't even bring himself to meet his own gaze in the full length mirror.

He's never been so disappointed in himself before. He can't take this, so he turns the music up louder and does it again. And again. And again.

Nothing changes. He doesn't feel better; he feels a thousand times worse. His body is protesting against the overexertion, and he can't seem to ignore it like normal. He doesn't realize it, but tears are starting to mix themselves with the sweat dripping down his face. 

He changes the song and tries again. Even though it's a different routine, he's not doing any better. As a matter of fact, he's making mistakes he's never made before. His fists clench and he tries to find his rhythm again, desperate now. If he can't dance the pain away, what will he do? He needs this. So he does the dance again.

This time's even worse than the last, and he's overwhelmingly and uncontrollably angry. He's angry at everything and nothing at the same time. He impulsively turns on his heels and punches his fist into the wall as hard as he can. His knuckles sting, but the wall doesn't cave under his wrath. 

Jongin feels so trapped, so suffocated in there. He's never felt this way before, and before he even knows what he's doing, he's out of the studio and the door closes behind him with a slam. His feet take him to the one place that has never failed to make him feel better. The rooftop. 

As the heavy metal door opens, Jongin is immediately struck by the weather. Rain pounds against his skin so hard that it stings. It's dumping down from the cloudy black sky above. He doesn't care about it, though, because the distraction is more than welcome. He debates about just sitting there, but he knows he's too restless for it. So he starts dancing. The rain makes him think of Baby Don't Cry, so he doesn't think. He just dances. 

He feels so free, so fluid. Everything that was going wrong in the studio isn't touching him here. Up here, he's himself. He's not putting on a show for anyone. He doesn't have to be flawless and perfect or smile the right way. The dancing feels almost euphoric in the pouring rain. The roar of the rain drowns out his thoughts, and it's the sweet distraction he's needed this entire time.

Hours pass. The weather still doesn't let up, and neither does he. But his dancing is still suffering. He's slowly losing it again. He knows logically that he's at his limit and he needs to rest but he _can't_ stop. If he stops, he'll have to feel again. The physical soreness of his calves is a much easier pain to deal with. So he keeps dancing. 

Even as the sky grows lighter and the clouds thin, he's still dancing. He decides that he'll dance just one more song.

So he starts the choreography, and immediately he knows something is wrong, and it's not his emotions. His knee feels strange, like the bones are grinding against each other. He shrugs it off and pushes on. This is the last song anyway, and he won't quit now.

But when a sickening crack fills the air, he's suddenly hit with overwhelming pain and staggers backwards. He trips and falls, whimpering in pain.

For a moment, everything goes entirely black. He opens his eyes wondering when they even closed. Everything is fuzzy and his head suddenly aches like someone took a hammer to it. His body is unnaturally sluggish as he tries to sit up. All he can think is  _what happened?_   

When he finally achieves his task, overwhelming fatigue brings his eyes closed. He feels dizzy and disoriented. He can't tell which way is up or down. 

And then he feels the ground again. His cheek is pressed against the cold wet concrete and he's terrified to find that he can't even move properly. His arms feel weak and his knee is killing him. He musters the strength to roll onto his back and he frantically feels around his pockets for his phone. He tries to ignore the pounding inside his skull as he attempts to sit up again. He immediately collapses back down to the ground. His last thoughts are filled with panic before he blacks out again. 

...

Kyungsoo wakes up with Joonmyun's arms still around him. For the first time in weeks, he feels truly comfortable. His heart feels lighter now, like he's finally starting to sort through himself. It feels great, for once, to not feel burdened by his feelings for Jongin.

He doesn't want to move away from Joonmyun because he's so warm and he feels safe where he is, but he does want to do something to thank him for comforting him last night. So he wiggles out of his hyung's grip and with the intention of making breakfast. He watches Joonmyun sleep for a few moments, and a small smile creeps up on his features. He's so grateful for his presence last night. For all of it, really. Joonmyun's been there for him a lot lately.

He notices the empty bed across the room and for once doesn't feel anguished. If anything, he feels reassured. _Jongin will come back when he's ready_ , he thinks. He walks out of the room silently and heads to the kitchen. He just barely is getting started when Joonmyun groggily comes out of the room and offers to help. Kyungsoo stubbornly refuses. Eventually, Joonmyun settles for just chatting with him while he works. 

Soon breakfast is done and all of the other members are stumbling out of their rooms wondering what smells so good. Kyungsoo secretly loves making food for the group, even though he pretends to complain. He really does love how much they appreciate his cooking. Not that he'd ever voice that, though. 

He dishes everybody up and realizes he over cooked. He usually makes breakfast for Jongin, too, so there's more food than necessary. He tries to ignore the unsettling feeling he gets at Jongin's absence and focuses on the conversation everyone is having. It's light; none of them really want to talk about the most recent news about Tao. And Kyungsoo thinks that this is okay, because honestly, they each absorb things at their own pace. 

So he jokes around and goes with the lighthearted demeanor as they enjoy the food. Today is another day off to relax, and they all disperse after an hour or so to do their own things. Soon, it's just Joonmyun and Kyungsoo in the kitchen. Kyungsoo usually cleans up alone, but today, he has help.

Joonmyun and him just talk about simple things. Clothes, plans for the day. It's nice and easy. He doesn't have to overthink his responses to hide his feelings, and he enjoys spending time with him. So they decide to go out for coffee. They continue talking about anything and everything. Kyungsoo can't remember the last time he felt so carefree. Before he knows it, it's three in the afternoon. 

But Joonmyun doesn't suggest going back. Quite the contrary, actually. He suggests going to see a movie in theaters. Since Kyungsoo doesn't want this to end, he goes along with it. The two of them end up watching a ridiculous romantic comedy (one of the only things playing at the time.) It actually has them laughing, and both of them are in a content mood once it's over.

It's almost seven in the evening when they get back to the dorm. It's quiet since most of the members are still out. Joonmyun asks Kyungsoo to teach him a recipe for dinner, and the two of them text everyone (except Baekhyun, who was back before them) to ask them if they want dinner with them or if they have other plans.

"Sure," Baekhyun replies. Normally he's cheery, but everything with Tao has him pretty down. "Thanks. I'll be in my room, okay?"

Joonmyun nods sympathetically. "Okay. We'll come get you when it's ready." 

Baekhyun smiles briefly before going down the hall. Kyungsoo checks his phone for replies from the rest of the group. Everyone replies except Jongin, and ice creeps into his veins. "Hold on a sec," he tells Joonmyun. He makes his way to their bedroom, and finds Jongin's phone right where Kyungsoo left it after speaking to Taemin the night before. 

Surely he would have come back by now, right? Kyungsoo panics, and immediately looks to Jongin's closet. It doesn't appear to have been touched since yesterday.

It's been almost twenty four full hours since the last time can remember seeing him, and now he's incredibly worried. "Joonmyun," he says nervously when he reenters the kitchen. 

"What is it?" he asks, immediately noticing the change in the air.

"I don't think Jongin's come back yet," he answers uneasily. His heart is beating faster than it was a few minutes ago. 

"Have you text him yet?" Joonmyun asks, remaining calm. 

"He left his phone here yesterday. It's in the same place that I moved it to... And the room looks untouched, too." _Stay calm, stay calm._

"I'll call the guys and see if they've seen him," Joonmyun says softly. He pats his shoulder gently and smiles as if he's trying to reassure him. "Hey, relax, okay? He's probably at the studio."

"For twenty four hours without showering, his cell phone, or a change of clothes?" he speculates aloud. His brow creases as he tries to recall every detail he can about when Jongin left. He only had a thin sweatshirt to protect him from the crazy rain they had last night. 

"I'll admit, it does sound weird. I'll ask some of the other guys. Why don't you ask Baekhyun if he's seen him?" Joonmyun asks, still trying to maintain a calm composure, but he can tell that he's worried, too. 

He goes down the hall and tries to stop his hand from shaking. He knocks on the door, and a few moments later, Baekhyun opens it. "Wow, that was fast," he says. "What did you make?"

"Dinner's not done yet. We haven't even started... but have you seen or spoken to Jongin since yesterday?" Kyungsoo asks, keeping his face neutral. 

Baekhyun takes a moment to think it over. "Now that you mention it... no, I haven't. Did he pull a vanishing act again?" he asks half serious, half joking.

"I'm worried, though. I haven't seen him since this time yesterday," Kyungsoo answers, doing his best to remain calm. He has such a bad feeling about this, though, and he can't seem to shake it off.

"Well, hopefully he's just asleep in the dance studio," Baekhyun says, nudging his shoulder. "I'll ask around, too. Have you guys tried Taemin yet?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head. "Not yet. I'd do it myself, but... I'm not very comfortable with him."

Baekhyun thankfully doesn't comment. He just pulls his phone out and scrolls through his contacts. He taps the right one, and Kyungsoo's thankful he can hear the ringing on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" Taemin answers, probably wondering why Baekhyun would be calling him.

"Hey, Taemin... I was just calling to see if you've heard from Jongin lately?" he asks casually. Baekhyun doesn't really seem all that worried.

There's a heavy pause on the other end of the line and Kyungsoo wonders why. Did Jongin and him fight? That doesn't seem likely. Those two never ignore each other. Kyungsoo knows that Jongin can't stay mad at him for very long... and he hardly ever gets mad at Taemin. "Uh... no. As a matter of fact, I've been expecting a call from him since yesterday. Why do you ask?" Taemin sounds pretty nervous, too.

"We haven't seen him since yesterday is all," he replies easily. "And he's not answering his phone, either." Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo for approval at his guess. 

"He actually left it here last night," Kyungsoo corrects quietly. 

"Ah, actually, I just found out he left it here," he says.

"Oh... and he still hasn't picked it up?" Taemin asks, worry evident in his tone. "He should have come back by now. Are you sure he didn't?"

Kyungsoo nods tensely while Baekhyun replies. "We're positive. Do you think he's at the studio?"

"I'll go check," Taemin says immediately. "He and I need to talk anyway. I'll let you know if I find him."

"Okay, thank you, Taemin-ah," Baekhyun says, nervousness finally making its way into him, too. 

"You're welcome. Bye," he answers before he hangs up.

The two of them share an intense look. "Something's wrong," Kyungsoo says in the quiet of the room. "This isn't like Jongin. He would have at least checked in with us by now." 

"You're right. Let's go see if Joonmyun has anything," he replies, worry scrunching up his forehead. He gently bites his lower lip. If Baekhyun wasn't worried before, he's definitely worried now.

The two of them walk out to the kitchen where Joonmyun stands, frowning at his phone. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun don't even need to ask before he says, "Nobody's seen him." 

It's Kyungsoo's worst nightmare. Jongin is missing. He paces the kitchen floor anxiously while Baekhyun fills Joonmyun in his conversation with Taemin. 

"I guess there's nothing to do but wait," Joonmyun says nervously. Even he is worried and he's usually able to keep calm. 

The three of them sit in thick silence, unsure of what to do in this situation. 

…

Taemin has had a bad feeling about this ever since Jongin hadn't picked up his call yesterday. All day, he's kept himself busy but nothing's been enough to distract him. The whole thing kept bugging him. Jongin never ignores his calls, and he thinks that by two in the afternoon, Jongin would have found his phone and called.

But he didn't. 

So Taemin worried that he did something wrong, but he honestly couldn't think of what it could have been. Missing his calls while he was asleep the other day just doesn't seem like enough to justify this. He's been distracted thinking about this all day. 

Not even going out to dinner with the rest of SHINee pulled him from his thoughts. They all asked what was wrong, of course, but he couldn't even put it into words. Instead of lying, he just said just that. To which he was smothered by his overprotective band mates. 

Nothing was enough to distract him. So when Baekhyun called him, he panicked. His worries intensified drastically. 

Since he hates feeling useless, he jumped into his car and immediately left.

Now he's sitting in his car and _trying_ to think logically. Jongin must have been really upset yesterday (and Taemin still has no idea why). If he was upset, the dance studio is logical. He's always there whenever he needs to unwind or distract himself. He has to be there. Nowhere else makes sense. 

Even though he knows that Jongin probably just lost track of time and is probably curled up on the floor asleep, he still has a bad taste in his mouth. He usually trusts his instincts, so he's feeling super on edge about the whole situation. He's unable to calm down.

As he hits a red light, he impatiently taps his fingers against the steering wheel. He doesn't have the patience for this right now. He heaves a sigh of exasperation seconds before the light turns green. A few minutes later, he arrives at the studio and runs in to find Jongin. He has a weird sense of deja vu when he approaches the dance studio. He pushes the door open and expects to see him either dancing or asleep, but finds neither.

Jongin's jacket is tossed haphazardly over the chair in the corner, and Taemin's heart pounds as he walks over to it. He picks it up, and it's unsurprisingly lacking Jongin's warmth, meaning he left it here some time ago. With it in hand, he goes to check the bathrooms. Empty. His heart starts beating quicker. 

Now he's extremely worried. Nobody just disappears. His still pounding heart sounds louder behind his eardrums until he sees a manager. "Have you seen Kai of EXO around?" he asks quickly, trying to act cool.

"Not since yesterday evening, no," he answers with an upturned eyebrow. "What's this about?"

Taemin's lip trembles and he says, "Nothing. Thank you!" He hopes that the manager can't see through the lie, and he storms back over to the dance studio, hoping that he'll magically be there this time. He isn't, of course, but Taemin can't help the childish hope. He paces the room back and forth and thinks.

Where else would Jongin go?

His mind keeps coming up blank, adding to his frustration. After a few minutes of coming up with nothing, he suddenly remembers that Jongin liked to dance on the rooftop when it was too stuffy in the studio. He all but runs up the stairs leading to the rooftop and slams the door open. His heart still beats loudly in his ears, and he looks around until his eyes focus on something that makes ice flood his veins and stop cold. 

"Jongin?!" he cries as he runs over to a heap on the ground. When he gets closer, he knows instantly that it _is_  his best friend. His head is slack against the concrete and his legs are bent in a way that wouldn't be comfortable for sleeping. "Jongin?" he asks, gently touching his shoulder, trying to tell himself that he's only sleeping. 

No response.

"Jongin?" he asks desperately. His voice is trembling now. He looks over one more time and ice freezes his heart when he notices the dried blood in Jongin's hair. Immediately, he cradles his head and looks at the wound. His hands shake while he examines the damage. It looks like he fell and hit his head on something sharp. His eyes glance around the area frantically and then he sees it, not even two feet away. An air conditioning vent... and the corner has blood on it.

His heart pounds as he gently lays his head back down. He takes a good look at the younger's face. His normally healthy glow is nowhere to be seen. His skin looks pale and washed out. His lips, too, look dull from lack of proper blood flow. He brushes his cheek, hoping that his eyes will flutter open and everything will be okay. "Jongin, please wake up," he whispers, biting his lower lip in tension. "Jongin, please." When he receives no response, he pulls out his phone and dials for an ambulance with shaking fingers.

"What is your emergency?"

"I found Kim Jongin unconscious at the rooftop of the SM Entertainment building. It looks like he hit his head on a vent... and it's bleeding. He's probably been here for a few hours..." he rambles, hoping it all makes sense to the operator he's speaking to. He knows he's going a little too fast, but he can't control it. He's so worried, and sort of in shock. He's never been through something like this before. 

"Okay, an ambulance will be there soon."

Taemin wastes no time in hanging up. He lays Jongin's discarded jacket over him. When his hands come in contact with his skin, though, he realizes that Jongin's going to need a lot more than just that. He takes off his own jacket and lays that over him, too. His lip is trembling as he takes Jongin's hand in his own. He's so cold. It's unlike him; Jongin's always warm. 

A single tear cascades down his cheek, but he's too in shock to notice. He desperately looks over Jongin one more time, trying to make sense of what happened. He wouldn't just fall. Something had to have happened to make him fall. 

Then he notices the swollen knee. His heart thumps in his rib cage, wild with worry. Taemin wants nothing more than to hold him and make sure he's okay, but he doesn't want to risk moving him. "Oh god, Jongin, please be okay. Please be okay." He doesn't even know what he'd do if Jongin _doesn't_  wake up. 

Taemin's breathing is shallow, and his heart is pounding against his chest. He's never been this nervous and unsettled before. This whole thing is so unexpected and sudden that he can't think clearly. 

He squeezes Jongin's fingers in his own. "Please wake up, Jongin. _Please_ ," he whispers. Seeing him like this is ruining him. He can't take it. It's just so incredibly wrong. Jongin doesn't deserve any of this. His heart aches worse than any of the times he's broken down before. Unrequited love has nothing on this. This is so much worse than he could have imagined.

Taemin cannot do anything to help him. He can only plead for him to wake up and squeeze his fingers. All of it is so out of his hands, and it's unnerving him. Each time he looks at Jongin's unconscious face, it's like a little piece of his heart is ripped out of his chest. 

He remembers that he's supposed to call Baekhyun back, but now he doesn't know what to say. He's too wrapped up in worry to think clearly.

"Jongin, please wake up." His voice is so desperate that it scares him. "Jongin, please wake up. I love you. Please just open your eyes."

Even though the words are streaming without any real thought on his part, he means them. He knows that he loves Jongin and he has for years. Maybe ever since they slept together in the studio as trainees. But now, all the barriers that previously held him back have come crashing down. He doesn't want to hold it back, either. He wants to be able to love Jongin openly. He can deal with the repercussions later as long as Jongin is healthy and awake. That's all that matters to him. 

"Jongin, you need to be okay," he whispers, still reeling in shock over the situation. It's so surreal that he feels like it's all just a horrible nightmare. "I love you so much. Come back to me. _Please_." He bends down and kisses the cold hand in his with trembling lips. He pulls back and can't bring himself to look at his face.

His heart races when he finally hears the ambulance. They rush open the door to the rooftop with a gurney and a handful of medical workers. Taemin's instantly relieved, but he's still extremely tense as he watches them work. They lift him up and place him on the gurney, carefully minding his head. One of the medical workers comes up to him and asks him questions that are so incredibly hard to answer.

"How long has he been here?" she asks, looking directly at Taemin.

"I don't know," he replies thickly. It scares him how little he actually knows about the situation. Jongin could have been here since this time yesterday, and he wouldn't have a clue. The thought frightens him because he should have known. He should have gone looking for him sooner. They've never gone this long without talking before. He feels an enormous amount of guilt. He knows logically that there was nothing he could have done, but his heart disagrees. "If I had to guess... I'd say since sometime yesterday."

"Why didn't someone come looking for him sooner?"

Taemin really doesn't want to answer this. His eyes are locked on Jongin as they take him down stairs. He finds it hard to think of a reply when he's being moved away from him. His hand is shaking as he rakes it through his hair. "I think he was upset yesterday, and... when he's upset, he loses track of time. Everyone just thought that's what happened." He swallows worriedly because Jongin is now out of his sight. He wants nothing more than to be at his side. 

"Thank you for answering. Would you like to ride in the back of the ambulance?" she asks, probably sensing his anxiety at being away from Jongin.

"Yes, thank you." He doesn't wait for her answer as he dashes back down the stairs. He catches up to them and his heart pounds against his chest at the sight. They're lifting him into the ambulance, and he's still just as unconscious as before. He climbs in after all the EMTs and wishes that he could hold his hand. Jongin still looks so pale and it frightens him. Jongin is always lively and flushed. He's always warm. This couldn't be more wrong. 

He bites his lower lip to keep it from trembling. He doesn't want to lose it. Not here, not now. He focuses on his breathing to keep himself calm. He needs to call Baekhyun back. He and the rest of EXO need to know what's happening. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through his contacts. With shaky hands, he finds the number he's looking for. He taps it and takes another deep breath.

"Taemin? Have you found him?" Baekhyun asks urgently, clearly worried for his band mate.

"I... I found him. He... he was unconscious on the SM rooftop..." he says quietly. He's struggling to find the words to describe the situation. He still can't quite grasp it himself, much less explain it to someone else. 

He can hear the sharp gasp on the other end of the line. "Oh my god. Is he okay? Did you call an ambulance?" 

He takes a deep breath before answering. "Yes... I called an ambulance. They say that he should be okay, but they don't know why he won't wake up." He pauses to collect himself once more. "We're on our way to the hospital now."

"We'll be there soon," Baekhyun answers before ending the call. 

Taemin puts his phone in his pocket and buries his face in his hands. It's a long drive to the hospital, and he knows it's going to be an even longer night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? I'd love to know!! As always, thank you for reading, it means a lot to me! 
> 
> Now here's a really rough glimpse into my next project after this. (I finished writing Unrequited almost a month before I began to post it here. All that's left on this is editing and revising, so my new project won't really effect this much.)
> 
> Soulmate AU. Everyone is born with markings on each wrist that are supposed to lead you to your soulmate. Both Taemin and Jongin are skeptical until they watch their close friends find their soulmates, then they set out to find each other.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter five! Sorry it took so long to put out. Last minute, I kind of decided to change the entire ending of this chapter (and the entire story.) I like it so much more now, though, and I think you will, too. 
> 
> Enjoy~~

"Jongin's in the hospital."

Kyungsoo nearly chokes when he hears the news. The other members all go silent, their conversation forgotten. Everyone stares at Baekhyun, wide eyed with worry. None of them seem to be able to believe what they just heard.

"What?" Chanyeol asks almost inaudibly. "Baek, don't joke about something like that..."

Kyungsoo thinks he's hyperventilating while he listens to Baekhyun's explanation.

"I'm not joking," he says with an uncharacteristically serious tone. "Taemin found him unconscious on the rooftop at SM."

Kyungsoo isn't able to pay any attention to what happens around him. He's instantly slapped with hundreds of racing thoughts as his heart rate increases. 

How did this happen? What is going to happen to Jongin? How serious is it? He begins to wander down the path of endless 'what ifs'. What if he comforted him? What if he asked him to stay? What if he looked for him sooner? 

Every thought is like a punch to his heart, and he's terrified. He can't help but fear for Jongin's well-being and safety. His heart aches more with each passing moment.

He follows the other members of EXO to their cars in a daze, still reeling from the shock of it all. He feels miserable as he takes the seat next to Joonmyun. He slumps down and buries his face in his hands, half surprised to find it dry of tears. He can't bring himself to look up until Joonmyun gently nudges his shoulder and says, "We're here."

Before he knows it, he's sitting in the waiting room with his band mates and SHINee. He sees Taemin pacing back and forth with misery written all over his features. He looks like he's about to start crying, and Kyungsoo knows that he's not the type to cry easily. He can't bring himself to feel any sort of resentment towards him when he's like this because he completely understands. He's going through the same thing, albeit in a different way. 

The air is still heavy with worry as time inches forward at a maddeningly slow pace. Kyungsoo's panic has subsided for the moment, but he feels like it's just waiting on the periphery of his mind, waiting to attack again the second they receive news. For now, though, he's oddly calm. Maybe even numb. 

But that quickly dies the second he sees a doctor making his way towards them. Instantly, everyone is alert and sitting upright in their chairs. The doctor takes a breath before explaining what happened. "Kim Jongin has sustained a severe concussion and has a torn meniscus in his left knee. He will be hospitalized overnight. Tomorrow, we'll have the results back from the MRI. After we see the results, we'll determine what treatment to use for his knee. As for the concussion, we assume it's severe due to his inability to wake up as of yet."

Oh _god_. Kyungsoo's heart clenches at the prospect of him not being able to wake up. He's so nervous and worried. His hands are shaking a little when he feels fingers intertwine with his. He looks at their hands and he feels the slightest bit better. It's nice to have support from someone.

His eyes drift back to Taemin when he clears his voice. "Can I see him? Please." His words are desperate, and he looks so _broken,_ like Jongin's health also affects him. Kyungsoo finds it hard to look at him and he wonders if he resembles him. 

"Visiting hours are over," the doctor says remorsefully. "If you'd like to remain here, be my guest and stay as long as you'd like."

Of course. Hospitals always have those rules in place, but Kyungsoo has never understood why. He bites his lower lip and tries desperately to think about something, _anything_ , other than his anxiety about Jongin's health. His eyes wander over to where Taemin sits, nervous and fidgety. He looks like he's half dead, but he downs a cup of coffee to stay awake.

Kyungsoo doesn't know what comes over him, but he walks over to him and offers a hand to help him stand. Warily, he accepts it. "Why don't we take a walk?" he suggests. Taemin looks reluctant, but he nods. Kyungsoo pulls him to standing and ignores all the eyes on them. Together, they start walking in a random direction with no destination in mind. 

Once they're out of earshot, he begins his little spur-of-the-moment speech. "Taemin... It hurts to see this. I'm tired of seeing Jongin in pain, so I'm going to tell you something important. Jongin... I love him so much, you know. I'm doing this for him, not you."

He's so nervous now that he's started. They stop walking and Taemin stares at him skeptically. "He's hopelessly in love with you." _There. It's out in the open now._ "I'm telling you this because I can tell you're in love with him, too. And he's so confused about how you feel about him that he can't see what I see. He's also not very good at expressing his emotions because he second guesses everything. So... take good care of him, okay? Because I can't keep watching him break down anymore. Even if he doesn't return my feelings, he deserves someone who will take care of him and love him unconditionally. So... please be that."

He can tell that Taemin's at a loss for words. He himself is now drained from the speech, but he feels good. Now there is nothing standing in the way of Jongin's happiness. He has no doubts about Taemin's love for him, and knows he will do his best, even without Taemin's verbal answer. It's written all over his face.

Kyungsoo may hurt now that he's fully faced the truth, but it feels like he's finally done something right by Jongin and that feels great.

He's at peace now with his internal conflicts. He smiles softly at the man his best friend is in love with and suggests that they get more coffee.

…

Taemin's mind is reeling in shock from what Kyungsoo told him. He feels awful because what Kyungsoo said means Jongin had been suffering with the same unrequited feelings Taemin had. The incredibly stupid part is that he never noticed. Taemin always thought he knew Jongin better than he knew himself. How did he miss this?

And he feels horrible, still, because Kyungsoo mentioned watching him break down. Had he broken down the same way he had? The thought of Jongin crying because of him makes him feel sick inside. He regrets hiding his feelings now. Hindsight is 20/20, though. He knows that he had his reasons. He just hates that they seem so invalid now. He wishes so badly that he could go back in time and change things.

Maybe Jongin wouldn't have gotten hurt if he went to Taemin for comfort instead of the studio. He knows he shouldn't put this guilt on himself, but he can't help it. It eggs at the corner of all of his thoughts. The grief, the guilt, the stress, the panic. All of it's getting to him. He alternates between sitting down and drinking endless cups of coffee and pacing the room back and forth. He feels useless and he's scared. 

Jongin's health _terrifies_ him. He googles all he can about the knee injury and discovers that Jongin will probably need surgery. The idea unsettles him and he tries not to pace across the waiting room again. Doubts are forming in his head. They all worry him, but there's one that is the worst of them all.

What if Jongin can no longer dance?

Taemin wants to banish it from his thoughts, but he can't. He's scared of it because that would destroy Jongin. Jongin without dancing isn't even possible. And Taemin doesn't think he could watch if he's in pain all the time, because he knows that Jongin would do it. He'd face the hellish pain every day for his passion, and Taemin wouldn't have the heart to stop him because it's a lose-lose situation.

He hopes it won't happen like that. He read that most people regain normal function of their knee within six weeks. He sincerely hopes that Jongin will be one of them, but only time will tell and it's passing so slowly. 

He downs another cup of coffee and glances out the window. The pale light of early morning starts to creep in, and he realizes that he's the only one still awake. Everyone else is asleep in their chairs, probably too exhausted from worrying or crying. Even Kyungsoo. Taemin half wishes that he was one of them, but he knows he's way past the possibility of sleep. He stands and goes back for more of the hospital's cheap coffee when a nurse taps him on the shoulder.

"Yes?" he asks quietly. He hopes he sounds better than he thinks.

"Visitng hours don't start for another two hours, but I can tell you're very devoted to Mr. Kim," she whispers. "I'll let you in to see him now. If anyone asks, tell them that Ki Seung allowed you in."

Taemin's never been so thankful for anything in his entire life. "Thank you," he replies genuinely. "Thank you so much!"

She smiles softly and leads him to Jongin's room. Within seconds, his heart pounds at the sight of the man he's in love with. The nurse leaves them, but he doesn't hear her leave.

Jongin's head is bandaged and his leg is elevated, but Taemin's never been so happy to see him. He pulls a chair next to his bed and gently intertwines their fingers. "Everything will be okay, Jonginie," he croaks out. "I'm here. I love you, and I'm here." He's not sure if he can believe his own words yet, but he feels a thousand times better now that he can see Jongin with his own eyes.

He squeezes the hand entangled with his and just looks at him. He takes everything in; the soft rise and fall of his chest, the pallor of his skin, the shape of his face. Seeing him eases the heaviness in his heart, and he realizes that he's been overreacting. Things will be okay. If nothing else, they can get past this. Surgery or no surgery, Jongin is strong. Taemin relaxes and leans his head against the side of the bed. His exhaustion is starting to take over.

About ten minutes later, he feels his hand being squeezed. He immediately opens his eyes and looks over at him. "Jongin?" he asks softly. 

A grumble fills the quiet of the room and Jongin stirs for a few moments before opening his eyes. He blinks and looks back at Taemin with groggy eyes. "Taemin?" he asks gruffly.

"Jongin, thank god," he whispers, relieved that he's finally awake. "You're awake."

"What... happened?" he asks in a daze. He looks confused and maybe even a little startled. "Where am I?"

Taemin swallows thickly and decides to play doctor. He needs to know if Jongin's memory is intact. "What is your name?" he asks softly, hoping his voice will sound better.

"Taemin, that's a weird question," Jongin replies, his throat sounding dry and scratchy.

"Just humor me," he says quietly. He wants to be sure everything is okay.

"Kim Jongin," he answers.

"What is my name?"

"Lee Taemin," he says groggily. His eyes still look out of focus. He gently squeezes their interlocked fingers. 

"When were you born?" Taemin's nervous asking these questions, but he needs to know if Jongin's memory's been effected.

"January 14th, 1994. What does this have to do with anything?" he inquires, looking at him curiously.

Taemin's lips tremble as he asks the next question. "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Three. You're holding up three," Jongin comments impatiently. "Why are you quizzing me?"

Taemin's chest heaves when he sighs of relief. "You have a concussion, Jongin. I'm just checking to see if your memory is intact. So how are you feeling? Is there anything I can get you?"

"Water," he replies quickly. "And you can tell me what happened... I'm not quite sure." He looks scared, and Taemin's heart clenches painfully. He hates seeing him look so unsettled, but he's still just so happy that he's awake and okay. 

He's prepared for the water, though, so he brings a cup of water up to Jongin's mouth. He's determined to be the one to take care of him. Jongin looks like he's about to protest, but he doesn't. Taemin carefully allows Jongin to drink, careful of his head injury.

"I'm not quite sure what happened," Taemin starts as he helps Jongin drink. "I can only give you my guess."

"Please," the younger says softly. His voice sounds better than it did before the few sips of water.

"I think you were upset about the news of Tao, and you went to the studio to dance. At some point, you went outside on the rooftop to dance instead. The rain must have distracted you, because you injured your knee and collapsed. I found you later that day..." By the end of it, he is doing everything he can to sound calm. But his hands are shaking and his voice is trembling slightly. His eyes feel prickly, but not quite watery yet. He's not fooling Jongin.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, concern furrowing his forehead. 

"I was so worried, Jongin," he answers. "I thought that maybe you were upset with me and didn't want to talk to me anymore. And then I found out that you were missing and I panicked. I didn't know I could feel that much fear, and when I found you like that, I just about had a heart attack..." He's rambling and he feels like a mess. He knows that Jongin shouldn't see him this unsettled, especially after just waking up, but he can't hold it back anymore. "I love you, Jongin. I love you so much."

His eyes widen, and for a split second, Taemin wonders if Kyungsoo had been wrong about Jongin's feelings for him. All fears end the second he sees the incredible smile on his face. "I love you, too, Taemin. I always have."

Taemin smiles a true, genuine smile. It's mixed with so many emotions he can't even begin to sort out. "Please don't ever do this to me again," he whispers, pressing their foreheads together. 

"I won't," he replies, and he tries to hug Taemin. The shorter male immediately does whatever he can to make it easier for him. He stands up and bends down to embrace Jongin without him having to move at all. They stay like that for what feels like an eternity. When Taemin pulls away, he gently kisses Jongin's forehead. 

"Get some rest, okay? I'll be right here," he says softly, looking into Jongin's brown eyes.  

"I'll rest if you do," he says stubbornly.

A small laugh slips past his lips, and he rests his head next to Jongin's arm. He falls asleep to Jongin softly stroking his hair. His heart feels light and the fingers feel wonderful as they lull him to sleep.

…

A few hours later, doctors are in and out. Taemin still sleeps next to him, but the doctors ignore him. They ask Jongin almost the same questions he was asked earlier, but they are robotic compared to Taemin. They check his head frequently, and explain his knee injury to him. He's scared at the idea of needing surgery, but he knows he can do it. So they set up a date for the surgery and tell him what he can do beforehand.

Through all of this, Taemin's asleep. Jongin lets him because he doesn't think Taemin has slept much recently. That, and he loves how Taemin looks while he's asleep. His heart is fluttering every time he looks at his beautiful face. He frowns when he finally notices how haggard he looks, but he knows that he's resting peacefully now, and that's the best he can do.

At some point, Jongin must have fallen asleep again, because when he wakes, Taemin's not there. It's Kyungsoo.

He smiles softly and sits next to Jongin's bed. "Hey," he says. He also has bags under his eyes. "I sent Taemin home to change and get some food."

"Thank you," Jongin says, smiling gratefully. "I was worried about him."

Kyungsoo looks like he wants to say something but isn't sure how to put it into words. Instead of pressuring him, Jongin lets him take his time. "Jongin... I have something to tell you. It's been weighing on my mind lately," Kyungsoo says nervously. 

"What is it?" Jongin asks, happy that his roommate is finally opening up to him. 

"I love you. I love you the way you love Taemin, and the way he loves you. And I have for a long time. But I let you go when I told Taemin everything last night. You two both deserve happiness, and I'm not going to get in the way of that after what I've seen you both go through." 

Jongin swallows painfully. He feels like an idiot for not putting the pieces together sooner, and it makes him feel awful. "Oh god, I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo. I had no idea," he whispers softly, shocked at himself. And he's hit with dread when he recalls how he broke down in Kyungsoo's arms about Taemin. Guiltiness floods his veins, and he tries to find more words to describe how sorry he is. 

"It's okay. You had a lot going on. Just know that I want what's best for you, and you'll always be my best friend. I can move on as long as you're happy with Taemin, okay?"

Jongin still can't believe that he didn't even really suspect this, and he feels like an awful human being. "I'm so sorry, Kyungsoo, I'm so sorry."

He laughs softly. "You don't need to be. I'm okay now. What we all need to focus on is your health. Everything else can wait."

Jongin looks up at Kyungsoo and still feels guilty. When their eyes meet, Jongin realizes that whoever Kyungsoo ends up with will be really lucky. He managed to calm him down and be his soft place to fall, listening to Jongin's heartache, even when he was harboring those same feelings the entire time. Even though he's still sick with himself, he wishes the best for Kyungsoo. But he doesn't know what else to say. "I'm still so sorry, Kyungsoo."

"It's okay, it's okay," his hyung answers. "Just take care of yourself from now on?"

"Okay," Jongin replies, watching him go. He still feels awful about it, but he'll find a way to fix things.

Fatigue eventually takes over again, and the next time he wakes, Taemin is there, sleeping soundly with their hands intertwined. It looks too late to be visiting hours, but it's not like he was going to complain. Seeing Taemin's relaxed and angelic face comforts him. A few swirls of guilt linger in his heart about Kyungsoo, but he knows that his hyung wants him to be happy.

And Taemin most definitely is what makes him happy. He feels the most at ease with the slightly smaller hand in his. In the pale light of the moon, he can't help but stare at him. His black hair is shiny and trimmed to perfection. His nose is cute, and his closed eyes are so distinct. His eyelashes are thick and full, almost girly, but still Jongin finds it hypnotic. His lips look soft and pink and he wonders what it would be like to feel them on his own.

He ghosts his fingers lightly over the features, enjoying the small sensation of the intimate touch. His skin is so smooth and soft against his fingers. He feels light and tingly from the affection he feels towards Taemin.

With him by his side, he can do anything. Jongin falls asleep that night and feels like he's whole for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story is almost over. Even though I finished this almost three months ago, it's become a much better story, and I love it's become my baby. Sorry for getting sentimental. Omg, I'm going to shut up about that now. 
> 
> Okay, a couple things. One, there might be an epilogue after chapter 6. If you'd like an epilogue, please say so. I'm unsure about it, but if there's a demand, I think it'll be easier to decide. Two, I posted a Baekyeol angsty oneshot called "Sand Through the Hourglass." There's side Taekai, if you're interested.
> 
> Lastly, thank you all so much! I'm amazed at the response I've received on this story, and I want to thank you in every way that I can for reading and commenting. It means so much to me!


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! First of all, I'm sorry this is pretty late. Whenever I rewrite/edit, I seem to take a thousand years. I promise the epilogue won't take as long! (And yes, there will be an epilogue~)
> 
> Thanks for showing support for this story! It always makes me happy.
> 
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Kyungsoo sits in his room thinking over the events that have happened the last few days. He still feels the sting of unrequited love, but the last time he saw Jongin, he was happy, despite being injured. Taemin was the one who put that smile on his face, and in a way, Kyungsoo did too. Granted, Taemin and Jongin would have gotten together eventually, but both were too afraid of being rejected. Who knows how long it could have taken if Kyungsoo hadn't intervened. Besides they all went through so much heartache. There was no reason to let that continue. 

He feels better knowing that Jongin is happy and content, even if it's not with him. Kyungsoo finds that it is way easier to let go of the tension that's been gnawing at him now that there are no questions in the air. Taemin loves Jongin. Jongin loves Taemin. It's practically cemented in concrete now with the way Taemin is always by his side. It may seem a little bit depressing, but now that Kyungsoo knows there is no hope of him being with Jongin, he can let go. 

Besides he's starting to get the sneaking suspicion that there is more behind Joonmyun's words of comfort. He may not quite be ready to go down that road just yet, but the fact that Joonmyun is patiently waiting, not pushing him to make a decision, makes his heart soften. Joonmyun's always been a great leader, but now, Kyungsoo sees more than just that. He sees the possibility beyond friendship. He can see all the good qualities in him that would make him the perfect boyfriend. 

But Kyungsoo is not going to try and rush into it. Not really for his sake, but for Joonmyun's. He doesn't want to start a relationship with him as a rebound of sorts. He can do the rebounding without someone distracting him. 

He smiles softly at the empty bed next to his. Jongin's concussion isn't as serious as the doctors originally thought. Apparently, he stayed unconscious for so long because of a combination of dehydration and lack of sleep... both of which were easy fixes. And Jongin's knee surgery went well. He should be back to normal in a few weeks. The doctors said there was no reason to worry. They also said that there might be some pain and discomfort for a while, but he would be okay to dance again. To Jongin, that's all that matters. And while everyone is concerned about the pain, Kyungsoo knows that Taemin's there to keep him in check. 

A strange laugh bubbles past his lips. Since when did he rely on Taemin? It's amusing, in a weird way, but he's thankful for it. 

He stands up and shakes off his thoughts. He needs to pack a suitcase for Jongin. It's already nearing the time he's going to be discharged. Kyungsoo digs around under Jongin's bed and finds his navy blue carry on suitcase. Jongin's part of the closet is always a mess, but it makes it easier for Kyungsoo to find what's his. 

He agrees wholeheartedly with Taemin's choice to have Jongin stay with him. Not only does it give Kyungsoo the space he needs, but it gives Jongin the space he needs, too. Jongin has never enjoyed being babied. With the recent events, everyone has been fussing over him. It makes him visibly uncomfortable, but he clearly doesn't have the heart to turn them away. Kyungsoo thinks it will be good for him to stay with Taemin who has absolutely every right to fuss over him. 

It's also apparent that Jongin only listens to Taemin. Kyungsoo doesn't think he could stop Jongin from pushing himself too hard. Taemin is the only one who would have any luck with that. 

So Kyungsoo finishes folding his clothes nicely and neatly in the suitcase. Even though he was more than willing to do this, he doesn't really want to be the one to drop it off with them. He leaves the room to go find Sehun, who's been eager to tease the two of them. After all, he's close to both of them.

"Sehun," Kyungsoo says, tapping his shoulder.

"What is it?" the younger asks as he turns around. 

"Take this to Jongin and Taemin," he instructs, handing the suitcase to him. 

"When did I turn into your errand boy?" the younger asks. 

"Shut up. You know you want to," Kyungsoo quips with a roll of his eyes. Sometimes the amount of sass Sehun gives him is as annoying as hell. Right now, though, it's all in good fun. The atmosphere is far more lighthearted than it has been in the past week. The change couldn't be better. 

"Fine, but only because you asked so nicely," Sehun retorts with a grin on his face. 

Kyungsoo says nothing as he watches him leave. Despite trying to stay positive, right now, he knows that Jongin is going to stay with Taemin. The pain he feels still lingers in his heart. He wants Jongin to be happy, and though he has accepted that it won't be with him, it still hurts. That pain won't just disappear with logic and good intentions. 

It will take time to heal. He knows that. He also knows that he has the potential to be happy again, too, so he'll let his heart take its time.

\---

The past few days have been rather chaotic for Taemin. His sleep schedule is messed up from his first night of no sleep. He ended up napping throughout the day until Kyungsoo sent him home to "freshen up." He reluctantly left and came back as soon as he could. The nurses eventually gave up on trying to kick him out. Maybe Jongin had a say in that, too. He's spent almost as much time as Jongin has in the hospital.

Whenever Taemin was awake for the doctor visits, he always did his best to support Jongin in little ways. An encouraging nod here and there, sometimes linking their hands together. There hadn't been much time to talk about their relationship and how open they should be. Not yet. Both Taemin and Jongin were too busy recovering from the reality of the whole situation, and other things took priority. 

A day after being admitted to the hospital, Jongin went in for the knee arthroscopy. The surgery went well, according to all the doctors. Taemin paid close attention to the after care details. A plan immediately began to form in his mind. With Kyungsoo's agreement, it became set in stone. 

Taemin almost scoffs thinking about how they interact now. There used to be unbridled jealousy on both of their ends. Now... it's not like that. Kyungsoo is the one who pushed them together. Now Taemin and Kyungsoo are working together to help Jongin. It's still a new dynamic and it'll take some time to get used to, but he's relieved. He thinks that somewhere down the line, he could be great friends with Kyungsoo. He seems to be a genuinely good person, and he's just a little bit in awe of him for what he did to bring them together. 

With a small smile on his face, he begins walking to Jongin's room, glad to be leaving the sterile monochrome of the hospital. He's thankful for a lot of things right now. He's thankful that Jongin's going to be okay, most importantly. It very well could have been the opposite. Guilt still eats at him if he thinks about it for too long, so he shoves that thought back to the recesses of his mind.

Jongin's being discharged today. Helping him and taking care of him is going to be Taemin's priority for the next few weeks. He'll get to fully devote all of his time to Jongin. He already got approval from his managers to cancel his schedule for the next month. Nothing can get in the way. No interviews, no variety shows, no photo shoots. Just him and Jongin. The thought brings another smile to his lips as he pushes open the door to Jongin's room. 

His heart clenches slightly when he watches Jongin struggling to stand. "Let me help you," Taemin says, watching the tight line of Jongin's lips. Jongin stubbornly shakes his head no, but Taemin ignores him. He extends his hand and looks at him expectantly. "Come on," he insists.

Jongin reluctantly accepts it. "You don't have to," he says.

Despite that Taemin knows he hates being babied, he's not going to put up with it. "I want to," he replies, pulling him to standing. "I care too much about you, so just let me help." 

Jongin looks shy, and Taemin tries not to smile or laugh, but it's too cute. "Jonginnie, you have nothing to be shy about. Besides, you're going to have to get used to it."

The younger between them furrows his eyebrows as he adjusts his crutches. "Why's that?" he asks, straightening up.

"You're going to stay with me," Taemin answers, pursing his lips. He's just the slightest bit shy about this, too.

"Wait, what?" Jongin asks, clearly surprised. 

"You heard me. You're staying with me, and that's final," he states, looking to meet Jongin's gaze.

"Taemin, you don't have to do this," he says slowly. "I wouldn't want to intrude."

"Intrude on what? Jongin, I live alone. Besides, I worry about you too much when I'm not around. You're going to stay with me until after you've recovered from the surgery. If not for your own good, then for mine."

This does the trick. Jongin's resolve crumbles before his eyes. Taemin's main concern with leaving Jongin in the EXO dorm is that he'd try to walk without the crutches too soon. Jongin's tendency to push himself makes Taemin a little nervous. This way, Taemin can make sure he takes his time with his recovery and that he isn't overwhelmed by the rest of his band mates' concern for him. 

"Fine," Jongin agrees. A mischievous smirk begins to stretch across his face. "I'll do it on one condition."

"And what might that be?" Taemin asks bemusedly. He thinks he knows where this is going. 

"You have to kiss me," Jongin says sweetly as he moves closer to him. "Properly."

"Maybe I will," he says softly. "Or maybe you'll have to earn it." Jongin shoots him a signature puppy dog pout, and Taemin gives in with a laugh. "Fine, fine. You earned it."

He gently cradles his neck, careful to avoid his head injury, and tilts his head to the side. He closes his eyes and touches their lips together. This is their first time kissing, even chastely, and it sends butterflies to his stomach. After a few moments, Taemin grows confident and nibbles Jongin's lower lip. They deepen the kiss, and Taemin's tongue explores Jongin's mouth. A tiny moan escapes Jongin's throat, sending blood rushing to a place it shouldn't while they're in public. The younger of them is the one to pull away, now suddenly shy. Taemin chuckles and stands on his toes to kiss Jongin's forehead. He didn't expect Jongin to be the vocal type, but he finds it adorable and hot at the same time. 

"Get a room." The unexpected voice from behind startles them both. Taemin jumps and looks back to see Sehun smirking at them. "Hey," he greets, amusement glinting in his eyes. "Kyungsoo told me to drop this off for you." He gestures to Jongin's old carry on suitcase in his hands before setting it down. 

"Thanks," Jongin says, trying to hide the flush in his cheeks from their kiss. 

"Not a problem. Get better, okay? We can't do this without you," he says sincerely to Jongin, losing the smirk for a few seconds. To Taemin, he says, "You better take good care of him."

"Believe me, I will," Taemin replies. "I'll make sure he rests all day."

"Mhmm," Sehun agrees, his tone somewhat sarcastic. "You do that." He winks before he's out the door again.

Taemin begins to laugh, and Jongin joins him.

"This is a little different," the younger comments with a smile.

"It's a good different, though," Taemin adds. "I'm used to being teased for so many other things. I don't mind this one." He smiles warmly and picks up the suitcase. "After you."

Jongin begins to move forward slowly. Taemin knows how much he hates the crutches, but it's for the best. His knee needs time to heal from the arthroscopy. Crutches may hurt Jongin's pride, but ultimately, it'll get him back in top shape sooner rather than later. So Taemin does his best to ignore the frown etched into Jongin's features as they make their way to the parking garage. When they reach his car, Taemin has to help him in. The frustration is written all across Jongin's face. Taemin's heart feels like it's being squeezed.

"I'm sorry, Jongin. It must be hard for you," he says sympathetically as he takes the crutches to put in the back. Jongin doesn't comment. It goes without saying that it's hard. Jongin hasn't ever had to deal with crutches before, and no doubt the pain isn't easy, either. He can't help but wish that Jongin was never injured, and he can't help but feel like it was his fault. He tries to push the thoughts of guilt away because he knows nothing good can come of it. He does his best to keep his face neutral.

"Now you look upset," Jongin mentions as Taemin gets in the driver's seat.

Taemin takes a deep breath and looks over at Jongin. Maybe it would be better to vent off some of these feelings. Keeping them locked away hasn't been doing him any favors. "I feel guilty, Jongin. It's stupid and I know it's the last thing I should be thinking about, but... I can't help but feel like I should have been there when you heard about Tao. We had plans for that evening, and I... I cancelled them. If I'd been there, maybe you wouldn't have gone to the studio. You wouldn't have been injured..." 

Jongin sighs softly as he grabs Taemin's hand. He gently rubs circles into his hand as if he's trying to comfort him. He doesn't meet his gaze, though. "Taemin, you can't blame yourself for this. This... I'm ashamed to say it, but this was my fault," he says softly. It's clear he's been thinking about this. "I need to take better care of myself. Pushing and overworkingmyself as a distraction isn't healthy. I need to learn better. So don't blame yourself, okay?" Finally, his chocolate eyes meet Taemin's. 

Some of the uncertainty in his chest subsides, and he feels like he can breathe easier. It does nothing to ease the guilt, but it eases the worries he has about Jongin pushing himself too hard. The guilt will probably go away after Jongin's knee is healed completely. 

"Thank you," he murmurs. The words are genuine, but he doesn't elaborate. Jongin knows him well enough to understand what he's saying thank you for. 

"You're welcome, Taemin," Jongin replies softly. A smile stretches across his features as he leans in for another kiss. 

Taemin tilts his head to make the kiss easier. He enjoys the way Jongin's lips feel against his own. They start off slow and hesitant, getting a feel for each other. Jongin gently nips at Taemin's lower lip, making him shiver slightly. Taemin tries to keep himself from tangling his hands in Jongin's hair by wrapping him in a tight embrace. Jongin experimentally does what Taemin refrains himself from doing. The fingers tangling themselves into his locks feel wonderful against his scalp.

He leans into Jongin and pulls him closer simultaneously. Jongin eases his lips open and slides his tongue in. Taemin's kissed people before, but it's so much better with Jongin. He's only dreamt about this before. This is  _real_. The situation feels a little dreamlike when they pull away for air. 

Jongin presses his forehead to Taemin's. "I can't believe this is happening," he murmurs, echoing Taemin's thoughts.

He's reminded that Jongin feels the same way he does. He has wanted this just as much as he has. The thought brings a smile to his lips. "Neither can I." They stay like that for a moment or two before they pull apart for Taemin to drive.

\---

Jongin follows Taemin into his apartment with a smile on his face despite the fact that he's using crutches to walk. Taemin's apartment has always felt like a second home to him, but now, he can actually consider it that. Being here with Taemin like this is a dream come true.

"Are you tired?" Taemin asks, turning around to close the door behind Jongin.

He nods slowly. He feels tired almost all the time, like he's drained of energy. He was told that it's normal, given his surgery and his concussion, but that doesn't mean he has to like it.

"Then come on, let's go to bed," he says, gesturing for Jongin to take the lead to his room. As he begins moving, Taemin rests a reassuring hand on his shoulder. The touch encourages him, and a new wave of thankfulness washes over him. If he went to the dorm, he would be so overwhelmed right now. Taemin knows just how to keep him calm, and that alone means so much. 

As Jongin settles into Taemin's bed, he can't help but feel like he's home. It's a feeling he's almost forgotten living as an idol. He's always on the go, from one city to the next, so he never really feels at home. Even the dorm doesn't quite have the same feeling. But right now, he feels like he's exactly where he belongs. Something just feels so right being with Taemin. 

He scoots over in the bed and looks up at Taemin with a smile. "Join me," he says, curling his fingers around his wrist. 

Taemin smiles and climbs down into the bed. He tangles himself in Jongin's arms, and the way they're positioned, Jongin can hear his heart beat. He closes his eyes and listens for a few moments. The sound of it is so intimate and personal... and he's allowed to do this. Taemin _wants_ him to be close like this. A warm feeling settles over his heart as he continues to listen to the soft thudding.

He never thought this was going to be possible, and now that it's a reality, he can't help wanting to be closer. "I love you," he whispers, opening his eyes to look at Taemin's. They share a look for a few moments, and Jongin knows Taemin feels the same way he does. The thought is foreign to him still. He believed so strongly that his feelings were one sided... and the thought that Taemin used to think the same makes him want to reassure him that they aren't. 

"I love you, too, Jongin," Taemin murmurs, bringing a hand to caress his cheek.

Jongin savors the touch. He knows Taemin isn't going anywhere, but the feelings are so new and so strong that he feels the need to commit them to memory. He snuggles closer to him without jostling his knee too much. With Taemin here, he feels well taken care of. It's a feeling he never thought he'd want, but now that he's experiencing it, he feels elated. Taemin taking care of him like this is exactly what he needs. 

Exhaustion begins to take over, and his eyes remain heavy and closed. Taemin's steady breathing and the gentle thudding of his heart lull him to sleep.  _  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's so weird to write such fluffy stuff, after all the angst in this. Anyway, I hope you're enjoying their happy ending so far! Thanks for reading. I always love hearing your thoughts. 
> 
> Oh, and before I forget, a few things. One, I posted a Taekai oneshot called "What is Love?" (Not based on the EXO song, btw.) It has just a little bit of everything. Angst, smut, love. It's up to you if you want to read it. 
> 
> Two, I posted another TaeKai oneshot called "Something New." This one was to fill a request through my tumblr. (And it's just kinky smut~)
> 
> And yes, I am accepting requests through my tumblr! I'm currently working on a vampire/wolf TaeKai oneshot to fill another request. (My tumblr is exoel88) 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading and showing support for this story. Nothing makes me happier~


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